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den 21 oktober ChangesIt has again been a long time since I have been to this page. I am learning but slowly. I find myself consistantly making the same mistakes even though I try to get out of the cycle. BUT I am learning through each experience. Some of it is sad and disheartening but some redeeming. I sit in a bar and watch people chat about their days, work and life, and I love the chatter. I watch others constantly. An attempt to understand and to learn the social side of life. Professionally I know how to act when I am behind a camera and at events and photo assignments but socially I feel much like a 12 year old on a playground where I don't yet know the "rules" or ins and outs to be a part of things. It is hard but interesting. I've made a lot of mistakes. One of which was alcohol in general. At first, it eased my social ackwardness but made me feel and look like a fool. In a small town that is hard seemingly to come back from. At first it made me want to simply drink more as I felt depressed but that was just a bad idea. It made me more depressed. But also I learned that bars are sometimes the lonliest places - good times but also bitterness and drama and I noticed myself responding with a sense of bitterness which just isn't the way I act nor want to be or think. Male comraderie is interesting, especially in the country, it is something that without knowing much about it, I kind of envy ...the easy banter, and there are certain rules that don't seem to apply to men as they do women in the country-life. In many ways here the woman's role is still in the household and particularily the kitchen. There is much beauty to the sense of family and family gatherings and love and to that role - I just don't have those things and being outside of that here is sort of a strange role. To be single, to be out at a bar, a women's reputation is seemingly at stake as well as the assumptions and easy gossip. I have visited the local coffee shop and the bookstores and grocery, but people are really focused there and in a rush. It doesn't really seem a place to meet people. It is just different from where I grew up and understood - it is neither better or worse, just different AND please excuse my generalizations and assumptions - there are so many exceptions and also perceptions. I shouldn't even mention it for fear of being misinterpreted or being wrong but it is something that I struggle to understand. I believe that men and women are so similiar and yet so different often. I'm amazed at the various ways of communicating and lack of communication. At bars I hear how men sometimes talk about their wives and I have trouble understanding. It makes me question who or what role in life I want to take. AND I am surprised by how sometiems mean women can be to women. BUT mostly I am honored to meet the people that I do - I find them inspiring and interesting and appreciate the different lifestyles. I'm just not sure were I fit in - and that creates a confusion. For instance I was sitting with the nicest guy chatting the other day and he said that he was in love with his girlfriend and thought of telling her so but that she "doesn't even cook or clean" he said. Here I was thinking that I was understanding this person and suddenly I realized that this guy wanted someone who was going to "take care of him" in a totally different way than I see a partnership. I mean cleaning and cooking could be part of a partnership but is it really a deal-breaker on love? I'm not saying I wouldn't cook or clean for someone - although anyone eating the food I prepare besides microwave is definately adventurous and brave, but is it a criteria to many? And even if I was great at all those things would I be willing to base love on it - I would do it out of love of course but I'm not sure I would take well to it being my "duty". Is that weird? den 6 augusti looking up againIt's been forever since I have been here. I was surprised and happy that my page was still here - I thought maybe I was deleted!
Wasn't writing much because I was going through something that didn't really seem like anything - nothing was new, I was drinking again and caught up in the wave of the depression that all that brings on. It seemed fun in the beginning to be amongst people but there are other ways to be around people and spend time. Basically I was lost and the more I tried to seemingly find my way at the bottom of a bottle - the more it eluded me - which in hindsight seems fair.
I've begun taking care of things again - living - my room actually looks like someoone lives there now. It feels good. I sit on the patio where there is a new table and I sat here yesterday talking to a friend that is deeply depressed. My advice surprised me. In response to his questions, I found myself talking about things that I had stopped doing -it was a wake up call to get my own stuff going more. I sit here and hear the rustling of all the leaves in the sunny breeze- leaves of a million shades of green - every leaf different -every branch with its own shape and destiny. I think of my friend and how he has become so familiar with the nature, as have I at times, and feel gratitude that his blindness to the beauty has helped me to "re-see" it. That talk with him inspired me to realize the importance of self-love, care, responsibility, loving others, beauty and dreams -small and bold. The way that sometimes in an effort to pick someone else up - it reminds us of the magic of life - all of it- and to feel inspired by everything. That depression happens and that sometimes it breaks us in ways so that we can dig deep and thoughtfully and heal stronger in those places. Also the importance of questioning either learned or self-taught stories that haunt us and that can become habitually stories in our head until they make us stuck and filled with fear. I made up an excuse the other day - a friend was going to a farm and I said I didn't want to go because it reminds me of the loss of my old self and before the brain injury. She sort of just simply said, "I wonder sometimes how much we believe our own stories." Hmm. That got me thinking. When it comes to fear, I am on automatic pilot - I just feel fear without even really questioning it anymore.Since her words I catch myself thinking in an anxious moment and wondering when I started thinking that thought. So many self-doubts, so many what-if's, so many horrifically critical self-talk conversations - on top of it all when did I get so freakin' serious??? I laughed the other day and am a huge fan of laughter, but the other day I noticed how very long it had been since I laughed genuinely. So often these days, the laugh has come from some anxious, nervous place. It was so easy to just let it rip and laugh out loud! So fabulous!!! So easy really.
A butterfly flew by a bit ago - it makes me smile. I hope anyone that reads this smiles today, laughs and remembers, as I am relearning to actually "see" all the beauty around us. It is magnificent! Much love. den 19 mars ramblingsIt's been so long since I have written - my emotions seem to be so all over the place that it is hard to even write in a way. It seems that I am learning though to try to just sit with all these emotions as they appear. I've always tried to control things so this is new to me - being somewhat of the "self-improvement craze" and I began to simply beat myself up - so enough already! I actually found a self-help book - Cheri Huber - that just cuts to the chase - embrace it all - embrace the present and embrace the emotions - be aware of them and it is all okay. I'm okay. I recently tried dating (pretty much the first real time since the brain injury -which made me very self-concious in a way) and it didn't go so well. It was really hard for me, but for me, I actually did really learn a lot, grow a lot, and "accomplished" some important steps and noted some personal roadblocks that I have. So although it didn't work, that's okay. It hurts, but i'm glad I tried it. The heart is pretty resilient. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but that hurt is okay. At first I went straight to beating up everything about myself after the break up - but then I started thinking about all that I had learned and that's good. I felt compassionate for myself and for him. The hurt then started to disappear and gratitude took it's place. Thank goodness! Peace made it's way in although sadness is still present some. It has been a quiet time and that has been good because I am enjoying listening to others much more (when nervous, I can talk a blue streak! - I don't really know what that means, ha, but I mean a lot of talking!).
I haven't been on spaces for awhile and I look forward to catching up on what is new with everyone. Much love. den 13 februari Thinking of you allI hope all of you are well. I think of you often and plan to get back to visiting and writing! Happy February!
With love,
Patti den 8 december Holiday TraditionsMy family is having trouble with the holidays - juggling their spouse's families and ours and kids and wow what a confusing mess that makes me sentimental, feel out of place and so protective of our parents and their feelings. I love them so much. What are some good holiday traditions that are flexible? What do you all do with expanding family situations? My sister is actually skipping our family this year and after having dinner for inlaws extended family is taking her own family to the islands. It feels like a kick in the gut. What ways do you guys spend the holidays? What works? den 3 november Honoring UniqueIt's been quite a time of learning - so much so that I find it difficult to summarize. The month of October was filled with some hard times with silver linings of lessons amongst them. I was finally getting it together with a daily sheet that reminds me what to do during the day - like brush teeth, laundry, shower - the essentials and where and what I was supposed to be doing. It has helped me so much and I had frowned on such a daily list of such "basic things" because I thought even with my brain injury and constantly forgetting things that the list was "stupid" and instead made lists like my pre-injury ones. Those previous lists constantly put me into a state of frustration and disappointment with myself, along with feelings of guilt and confusion. But the new basic list is really what I needed and putting a little check-mark by those things, marking the times, and noticing trends in mood, behavior, emotions and productivity have helped me greatly to feel better and accept when to stop, when not to get into long discussions, and also to notice problems with balancing various aspects and emotions fraying particularily at night. This has helped me know a bit more.
As I was getting the hang of things, friends and life seemed to suddenly take over with chaos. It seemed everytime the phone rang there was another problem, accident, emotional turmoil, etc. I tried to "fix" everything - I mistakenly tried to care for a woman with a broken hip who was released from the hospital way too early - I thought I could handle it but really put us both in a precarious position possibly - though nothing went wrong, she needed professionals. Then I had a friend going through some very emotional issues that were hard and I tried to go beyond guidance and be more of therapist than supportive friend. Then an accident happened with another friend and a disagreement with another. I began to fall apart - I couldn't eat and weight was pouring off me. I felt frightened and insecure, upset and over-responsible in every situation. Things started to get back together for everyone, one at a time, but I was still feeling upset and like my insides were going 1,000 mph. My stomach ached all the time. Then I realized that my ego had taken over - I was not a professional, I DO NOT know the "right" answers to life's challenges and tribulations, I am not responsible for the lessons that another takes from a situation. In my caring, I became too controlling in a way. Not controlling in a way that I had understood controlling - more like I wanted so much to help that I wanted to provide all the things that I thought people needed. I did it because I care but suddenly I realized that everyone is unique - we all learn lessons differently and different lessons from different situations. The things I was learning or thought I knew are not universal. I read books quite often and I think ahh, that's the answer to the big questions, but are they? I mean there are so many possibilities - so many things that are beyond a person's point of view.
Suddenly with prayer and love, I asked God for help. I asked that people find joy and happiness in their lives and the right path for themselves. I continue to be more supportive but less of a frustrated "critic" - I hadn't realized my own criticism. I can offer opinions to people but just because something is right to me does not make it the right way for them. An interesting thing happened - I began to acknowledge and accept my own imperfections - which I prefer to call "quirks" - there are some that simply make me different than the next person and some that I need to learn about and work to change. But I became not only more grateful of others and their unique ways, but also more accepting and okay with my own. It seems life leads us to places - places where we make choices about how to see things and how to proceed and those choices make up the beautiful array of people and their amazing various personalites and views and lifestyles. AT once a weight was lifted about being over-responsible for others and also a weight was added about becoming the person that I wish to be. How do I wish to act towards others? How do I wish to contribute? How do I want to view things -pessimism or optimism? Also, Joy. I have forgotten joy somewhere in my recovery - I became all about "fixing" my deficiets and forgot about the many joys around me and to experience. I noted a trend in seeing problems and solutions rather than being okay with the day and enjoying it with happiness. There is a time for everything.
I have always been ashamed of my brain injury. I think I will always be sad about it but I also have a unique way because my brain injury - my disinhibitions of talking to everyone, yes, needs reigned in at many times, but I have met some incredible people and hopefully made some people giggle or happy by my outgoingness. I have often felt weird about my mood swings and all the forgetting and so forth and though much of it brings some aggivation - I have learned that somethings are okay to forget, that mistakes can be ah, just mistakes and that most are not nearly as "urgently important" as I let them sometimes be and sometimes like if I forget something for a photograph something else happens and it turns out different than I had thought and sometimes better than I could have imagined. Same with the mood swings sorta - at night when I am emotional I make interesting art - or need to realize that I need to do something very quiet. During the day - the mood swing of the night prior may help me be more compassionate in a situation with someone else.
This month I am going to focus on joy. I don't know why but I note in myself and in the way others talk about themselves and activities sometimes that there seems to be a guilty feeling that accompanies joy - it doesn't make any sense. Like my one friend said she read a magazine but then immediately listed all the very productive things she did that day and at the end said something like, I feel guilty reading when I should be doing a million other things. I never feel guilty reading - that is actually one of my productive things - but I know the guilty feeling she speaks of and I'm hoping to really instead of guilt, treasure those great moments. And this month, I plan on really honoring the unique aspects of myself and others! It is really beautiful actually.
I wish I knew answers to so many things but as my favorite poet, Rainer Marie Rilke says, maybe "life is to live the questions themselves...(honoring them) and that maybe one day we will grow into the answers" and as I am realizing those answers may be different for everyone, beautifully unique, and we can learn from each other and about ourselves. den 1 oktober summer learningIt has been a rather quick yet informative summer. I meant to visit home more but failed. I found myself a decade out from my injury and ANGRY. I was angry for many reasons - but it is hard to put my finger on specifics. I felt that I would be “better” by now - finding hopefully that tasks, impulsivity, constant chatter, and many other effects of the brain injury to be a non-issue by now but they are not. Doctors warned me but I refused to believe them and I am glad that I did not in many ways because I have exceeded some of their expectations but it would have helped me be more loving to myself and less self-destructive if I had listened a little. I try to be very realistic about what is what - is this a brain injury symptom or just simple mistakes, for instance. Often it is the frequency that is daunting - for instance - normal to lose the keys but what about the x10 other things I can’t find? Or comprehend in a day. Also I have people who knew me before my injury “watching and waiting" for the “old” me to appear - due to frontal lobe damages, my personality changed. I talk more without thinking, say inappropriate things sometimes without first gauging the situation, I’m just different in so many ways that I can’t really even name them all, let alone understand them. Recently though I picked up the comedy series DVD, Samatha Who? The beauty of this show is a bit about embracing the new you. Maybe before I wasn’t as sensitive. My sensitivity level now feels raw and like I feel everything -which can cause easy mood swings and confusion. In a lot of ways, I feel like a 12 year old. If someone is kind and then change, I don’t understand it; if someone says something but does something else, I am utterly confused; if someone lies to me, I tend to believe them; and on and on. Also I am way too sensitive to criticism, I will literally be swayed in a large way by people’s mean comments and hurt easily. It’s exhausting for me and for the people around me. But some of it I like - I like being sensitive - in many ways, I’ve learned a lot about compassion, the simplicity of love, noticing things with fresh eyes. Also, I have wonderful new friends who are bold and blunt and say what they are thinking - it is interesting the different types of people you attract as you change. I love the honesty and spontaneity of thoughts that they have. It’s never a guessing game - I never have to read between the lines - it is a relief to me. I don’t know how to blog about this summer there were so many lessons learned. I definitely can not drink even one beer - nighttime I am much more emotional and tend to be easily upset - anger is just sadness turned inward and outward in various forms, it is often not productive unless used to propel into the next lesson when it becomes unbearable - that even though I want to believe in the very best in people that I can do that but I also must allow myself to set healthy boundaries, I’ve allowed myself to be a doormat too often, and while I always figure that if someone needs to use another person that is their deal, I realized I was stuck in a pattern of continual hurt - setting healthy boundaries and sharing my feelings on doing so was one of the best new things I’ve done and I was able to do it last night with a challenging friend. It didn’t have to be an attack on my side, just a basic conversation of what I think is fair. I haven’t had a productive conversation like that since the injury - normally I get flustered and upset and utterly confused when addressing an uncomfortable or potentially confrontational subject. Then that is used against me and I feel crazy. Feeling misunderstood is tough. Sometimes people try to help by saying “oh but I lose things all the time too!” The hard thing is that I am not consistent on what is helpful - some days I hear someone say this and I feel comforted - other days I feel more alone and like nobody gets it - other days I want to hide it and don’t want people to understand. I don’t want people to see my flaws and problems with brain injury but at the same time I need their understanding or else I feel so isolated and alone and a bit nuts. I did an assignment the other month about returning soldiers - I continually learn from the experience. So many varying opinions. So many different reactions and injuries. Unfortunately, I do think I have met people that do have the “invisible injury of brain injury” - if you get blasted and thrown 20 feet from an IED, it is not unreasonable that your brain got bumped around a bit. So I watch and listen and find an interesting role of understanding some things that they are talking about and feel compassion immensely. Also most importantly is the development of a more spiritual side. I can’t say it is of any denomination though I plan on attending various services - but I feel a trust in God and His presence more than I ever have and it has been a saving grace, allowing me to find room in myself for forgiveness and love. Letting go of various reactions to my injury by people has been helpful. Up to this date, I have felt unaccepted by my old friends and people in my life as I have gone through this - they look at me funny and it is hard not to feel all of my insecurities rise - even if perhaps they are just looking at me funny because I have spinach stuck in my teeth or something! So I give up. In giving up, I am not quitting I am just rather trusting that I can be who I am now and that I am okay. I needed to and need to develop some security in myself and my heart and soul. A kind of confidence that doesn’t feel devastated by judgment of others and is therefore less judgmental - I never considered myself judgmental, but my reaction to what I think is their judgment, IS actually judgmental. So I have a new “let go” policy on certain things. It is easier intellectually than to put into practice but it seems kinder. In many ways this summer I found myself attacking back when I felt attacked. The problem is perceptions. We aren’t all going to agree. Some people are not always or might never like me - I am learning that that is fine. It is hard because I wish they did - like a child - but it’s just impossible to please everyone. I’m learning not to need validation everywhere and this is a relief. In not being so needy, I also feel less anxious and am less tense to be around. This summer I think I took on arguing with the world. It was such a strange disconnect from anything loving and I felt myself just self-destructing. It got to the point where I was literally on my knees and their I found a new lesson - an old world lesson but it came true for me - the one where sometimes you reach the bottom and you learn and the only way to go is up - it’s a bit like starting from scratch. In starting there, it’s like you learn new perspectives at a heart-opened raw level - I don’t think we need to get so low to get to this point but I think as with a lot of things I had to learn this the hard way. And actually it wasn’t that bad - there is something relieving about admitting and realizing that it is time for monumental personal change because obviously what I was doing was not working.
I had no problem loving others - I feel filled with love for others - but I was filled with a growing sense of self-hatred. Self-love was not something I felt comfortable with for a number of reasons - one, I felt a lose of identity after the accident - so lost, two it felt selfish or prideful to be self-loving and it felt wrong. But as I sank to the bottom of the pits I realized that this was not loving to anyone. I came to a belief and some may disagree but that my self-destructive behavior and self-loathing was actually an insult to God. He gave me this second chance to be here - and in learning to love myself, I find myself with even more room in my heart to share love, joy, compassion, understanding and passion. And peace. I run into all different types of people - some aren’t friendly - some wonderfully surprisingly magical glorious people who are friendly. The not so friendly, I’ve learned a bit from too. The other day a friend of mine was yelled at by someone who was under stress - what he didn’t realize as he was yelling was that that week her mom had had an accident and there were many stressors and difficult things going on in her life. She burst into uncharacteristic tears and I watched the shock on his face. See, suddenly there was this realization that before we encounter others we have to realize that they have things on their “plate” as well and we don’t know what is going on in their lives. It seems important to understand that in this busy world we all have our own stressors going on. I used to take it personally when people were mean for no reason or unfriendly, but now I realize that they may have things going on in their lives that are difficult. With this I have learned not to take everything personally and to be more loving towards unfriendly people recognizing that too our actions effect others - a smile to a stranger - even if they don’t smile back doesn’t embarrass me anymore. I’ve watched people get angry at say a cashier and then the cashier is upset and not as nice and then the next person in line gets out of shape and say may return to work in a worse mood. I guess, I realize this chain reaction that goes on - that small acts of kindness actually do make a difference. Speaking of which, I thank you for reading all this. It seems very self-centered, but it helps me so much to write what I am learning because I can look back when I forget. I look forward to reading and catching up on everyone’s spaces. I love reading about all that is going on with everyone and wish you all love and happiness. den 12 juli When does saying no make you a bad friend?I am a people-pleaser, really - I mean I want people to like me and I like and respect them, I fear conflict, don't like people being mad or disappointed with me and generally and altruistically really do want to make others happy and let them know that I love them. I do. But when is it okay to say no thanks to things? Trying to change some patterns of habits, I have recently for the real first time had to say that I couldn't attend something or possibly suggest an alternate time to do something. I let my friends know that it isn't personal and that I have some things going on right now with my schedule, but I am amazed at how bent out of shape and even mad some people are getting. For the first time, I 'm watching my own schedule a little bit and taking time to say do my laundry, go to bed at a decent hour, etc and not running around crazy trying to do everything all the time. But I wonder, will these people leave since I am not ready at the drop of a hat? They might. It makes me more stunned than hurt - well maybe they are at a tie, but I mean what are the guidelines for sometimes saying no thanks or can we do that at another time? What is the guideline for friendship? People say that friendship is always knowing that that person is there for you - well, I am spiritually, mentally and with all my heart there for my friends- I don't expect my friends to be available at any moment because they have very hectic lives - but lately I'm starting to realize that maybe they expect me to always be there at every event, outing, etc etc and while I am honored and wish that I could, I just can't always keep up with everything, normally I would try to and then collapse. Now that I am changing a little and making sure I get rest and not stay on this sea-saw of extremes and trying to create some balance in my life, people seem a bit mad, even after I explain, they still are focused on the fact that I'm not able to do something on their timeline. When does taking care of yourself become selfish? Does taking care of yourself make you a bad friend? What are the "rules" to a good friendship? Are there "rules" to friendship? den 12 juni Rootswell, My trip to see my family was shorter than I had orginally planned. I was overenthusiastic and quite honestly if I had been my own guest I would have worn myself completely out. Quite honestly I am jealous, no not "jealous" that sounds mean, envious nicely, would be a better term maybe of my sibilings who are busy with their own families so I don't get to see them much plus they live far away. My parents who live far away as well have their own routines and I totally respect that, or should, or do now more so, now that I understand better. But I failed to understand that in the most sincere and loving way. I landed with the drama of a drama filled teen and though my energy waned - I was nevertheless endlessly talkative trying to make up for missed time. Then I was confused as they tired. I felt utterly rootless. So now I am back with my friends and though it took some time and a tremendous urge to flee to a new residence and new life somewhere near my imaginary perfect beach cottage, I am now starting to dig some of my own roots. I am planting a garden for the folks here and well for myself though it is blasting hot out! I actually jumped in the sprinkler today. It was a fun childish thing and I enjoyed it immensely.
My friends are a bit bewildered by my continuously changing mood but I think I've put them at ease that all is well. It is confusing that my life has stood still while others have seemingly moved on so much. The injury really messes with my sense of time occasionally, well a lot actually. But I'm starting to realize that that is okay. Well, not okay in some ways but with effort it is okay. I guess living through things that are unexpected and change life is hard in a number of ways but at the same time there is this amazing sense of appreciation for every little thing. This appreciation can at times be overwhelming. that sounds odd but it is almost like being a sponge and sucking everything in and that can be exhausting to the people that sometimes surround me. And then it is like I myself get full and have too much input and need to rest from exhaustion. It is this seasaw of extremes.
Taking some personal quiet time to plant this garden has slowed things and relaxed me. Somehow when I felt rootless and like I was missing time, God offered up the idea of literally planting some roots literally and seeing things grow and change. It was my friend who suggested it by example actually; she is a guardian angel in so many ways. den 21 maj OH COME ON!!!!You gotta be kidding me! It is threatening to rain on my bulk pick up trash day!! I am trying to get like a million bags to the curb in turrential downpour! Come on universe I really need some help! This is a BIG day! I was so excited for this day to put everything on the curb for tomorrow morning pick up and its all gonna weigh like ten thousand wet pounds!!! No non, noooooo!!! I'm reinventing myself here! getting organized and huh? It's gotta be a test. Yes, a test and well a lesson never to let my life get this outta control! WOW!~ Come on! Now I get why my parents watch the weather channel I myself have always just left that up to higher powers and nothing I can do about it, but I suppose planning wise a little knowledge goes a long way. When the leaves blow and you see the underside someone told me that that definately means MORE rain - is that true? It could just be wind - right? Did you know that you shouldn't burn stuff on the grill? It causes carcinogins in the food. I always burn it. I, well, I thought that was "grilling". Good heavens. I think I need a nap. I can't - I am on a mission here - not giving up - trash be gone!!!! den 19 maj REstarting Restarting restartingOkay so as I try to change I note that my horoscope says something about just being happy and going with it - now that I am in the blog writing section I forget exactly what it said but basically it told me not to question the happiness. Okay. So. Well, that is hard not to do because you want to know what makes you happy so you can return to the feeling when the blues come along. But okay.
So I got this new core trainer thingy to stand on to help me regain more balance. It looks cool but I am scared to use it without an accomplice - to put an analogy to it, it woud be a bit like Lucille Ball attempting to cross-country ski! It has calamity written all over it! So I will wait for someone to assist. But I look forward to further inproving my once stellar balance which now stinks. The ice skating with helmet and all gear and ice rink patrol was fabulous but the rink is shut down for summer repairs until June something so that's out for a bit. It was amazing to be out there again although it did make me really realize the significant difference in my balance post injury but I was all for being back in the rink with a huge dorky smile on my face - with the exception of when the disco light went on and flashed off my helmet and made me look truly magical. THAT was something to behold. Although I embraced the sheer wit of it and pretended to be Dorothy Hamill in the spotlight! Reality is just a perception in many situations sometimes. Yes, I know that I am not really her obviously but I was making the best out of it and found the lighting to be an extra balance test.
It is bulk trash week and I can't say how mortified and excited I am at the same time. I have missed the date so many years that the bulk is more than bulk - it is actually a lifetime of trash. I feel like this is a metaphorical and literal "fresh" start. The stuff I am finding is at once like Christmas and also a ponderance of what the heck have I been doing???? Have I really been moving this stuff from city to city and paying to have it moved? IT is trash mostly and much moldy! ewwww. People check out other's trash for treasure and I want to put a warning sign on mine but fear it will attract more attention by accident. I do wish to somehow spare others the look however.
Work has been busy and I must say that I have been learning so much from the stories I am covering. After many assignments I am humbled and changed by the beauty of others. How we are all connected and similiar in heart, how there are so many different ways to live this life and percieve its peaks and valleys. It is overwhelming sometimes in all its magic.
Well, I have been alternating between wake and sleep these past few days of recuperating. Yesterday I tried coffee, and though I am a huge fan and constant diet pepsi drinker (gross I know and unhealthy and trying to quit), but I was surprised to find that coffee put me flat out ASLEEP!!! One of the mysteries of brain chemistry - it shocked my body straight into slumber. I'm so glad that I didn't try coffee while working - it would have been dreadful.
Have been reading Mary Williamson's Return to Love and I have to say that it is a life changing book. It has helped me much with anxiety and is absolutely a gift of a book. I really reccommend (I always spell that wrong).
Much love to you all and though I am going to take another nap. whew. I can't wait to stop by and read what is new with everyone! Hugs. Patti
den 5 maj ExhaustedTotally exhausted - will write more later - can't wait to visit you all and see what's up! Happy Spring! Love, Patti den 27 mars Changing it upWell, I have been quite depressed the past week. It was horrible at one point where I just sort of thought WOW. But then I jounraled - I even took self-portraits of my miserable self and turned them into art work - it was fun in a way. Sort of self-centered and weird but somehow getting into the little project was mind ofcusing on trying new things with photographs and took my mind off of how I was feeling and instead what I was doing. Very important I now realize is how taking the pressure off of feeling better and just doing something quiet and different could change my focus and bring me back a bit.
Yesterday I went skating and that was fun - my balance is way off so it is good therapy as well. I wear the helmet. Even though it looks silly and little kids point at me - ah, I'm doing what I love and grateful. One little kid actually fell on the other side of the rink and did hit her head and I saw her point at my helmet. hmm -maybe I'll start a trend! I saw a kid skateboarding on my way home nine or so without a helmet trying tricks and I thought ah man, while the X-games are inspiring - also one should be inspired to wear the gear that is now available. Buy a helmet! The thing is I get it - when I was little we didn't have helmets - but then again we weren't trying to do double back flips! So well, its time to get the "gear" together. I feel this way about bikes too - I don't know the stats but kids really bit it and normally died so you can't compare just head injuries in the stats of the history of bikes- you also have to consider the death related accidents which aren't specified sometimes as head injuries. So just wear helmets. It is easy really.
I bought a fish! He is great and the color of the mediterean - bluish, aqua, beta fish and I call him/her "Meddy" short for mediterean. I have never seen that sea but the fish reminds me of it so there it is. Focusing on my fish has brought me great joy! I'm surprised that something like this could bring me such pleasure. But it does - I love watching him swim around and there is just something so zen about him. He's existing - enjoying the extra room to swim - the tree I brought him and it makes me happy.
Photographing an interesting assignment starting this afternoon - I have butterflies in my stomache, I always do - but am excited and feel strongly about the subject of the article so I look forward to putting photos to the story. Photographing is interesting - particularily meeting people - I will not know the people that will be there until I meet them and there is pressure or excitement or interest - a combination of all three really to capture moments. It is a time when I appreciate my brain injury to a sense because it makes me brave - maybe just having to got through everything that I have had to to get to this place sort of makes me determined to do things that might have before been even more intimidating. It is still intimidating but maybe it is my mom's tough love sense of "go do it" attitude that makes it possible for me to feel the lump in my throat and still actually function. It can be overwhelming. But I think of my fish - exploring his new waters here and okay - I can do this.
den 13 mars Chanelling Lucille BallMy gosh, i think I am channelling Lucille Ball! Everything I do seems like some sort of comical oops. This week so far I have slipped in the drive-way - holding on to my friends side-veiw mirror as I did a body hit to the side of the car (no I WAS totally sober thank you!) and fell on my knee in slow motion - it had to be extremely comical looking! But the strangest part was that when my skinned knee finally did bleed it looked exactly like the Micholob (spelling) "beer crown" (you've seen the commercials)! Honestly! It was so funny looking at like a message, a sign of sorts, of my old habits of drinking beer! Then the next day I try to tell my European friend how very easy it is to go through the drive-thru at the bank - well there is no teller but instead the suction carrier thingy so I think well how hard can this be? With bravo, I manage to get my stupid hand stuck in the thing as it is vaccumming in the cartridge - it hurt like heck! It wouldn't let go for AWHILE! I was stuck and it was crushing my fingers as I screamed at the teller via camera - I so want a copy of that tape! My fingers are now fine I think but ouch and obviously I was the first to ever be so dumb as there was no protocol as to how to remove my mitt from the metal contraption! Thank goodness for my silly cotton gloves! Half way home I began hysterically laughing as my friend stared at me in disbelief and worry! It was a total Lucille moment and honestly I think when I wasn't howling my face was in that big wide eyed - O mouth pose! Ethel was very quiet - not having any idea what to do until she began screaming too! Poor gal.
Additionally, I am scouting the town for all my missing pieces. In the past week I have lost a camera lens (very costly), my notebook from a different event (which contains notes as well as names of people from the pictures), a singular shoe (how is that possible? no I am not drinking again), my ATM card (found), and heaven knows what else that I haven't realized is missing yet. It all feels like some cruel game of "I spy". Additionally, I must have washed all my socks together seperately and now they are all missing. I am wearing boots with no socks.
My diet is going well - scale says that I have lost over 15 pounds but honestly I used the tape measure the other night and I have the same exact measurements nearly, some I subtracted .5 inches but honestly I think I was just pulling the tape measure tighter-cheating to avoid confusion - have I lost my weight somewhere as well - where has it dropped off me?
I put together my rowing machine - the directions were in German which seemed a cruel joke so I had to follow the pictures - it is only five inches or so from the ground but I am fully prepared to end up with an oar disconnecting and a crash of some sorts. Thank goodness that I am not actually IN the water. I'm supposed to use it only 20 minutes a day - which I thought was wimpy until I only made it three minutes last night. It ain't easy!
I decided not to skate yesterday as my luck has been a bit shaky. With my swollen knee and fingers, I supposed a day off was okay. Have been trying to stick to my "schedule" though. The therapist from the other side of the country instructed me to make up an easy does it routine - not only do I stink at easy does it - but my sleep schedule varies constantly. This morning I was awake at 5:06 AM. So not right. So right now at 8 AM I have completed most of the days tasks except a photo shoot scheduled for tonight at 5 pm which I will be exhausted for, actually I feel as if 5 is a million years away. I'm trying not to nap. My dog I just realized is sleeping on the doggy mat that I brought for her to pee on if she so chooses not to go out in the rain - they are supposed to have some scent - she didn't hit it while peeing - she hates the rain so chose the carpet next to where I just spilled half a jar of bright nailpolish. But I can't believe she is actually now sleeping on the doogy mat. Oh my. Now she will smell like fake pee - at least I hope that is what the manufacturer uses.
Oh this morning though it was soo cool this big flock of birds landed to rest outside in the back - I took pictures -it was so loud and so beautiful to watch them all. Froze my toes, but loved every second of being out there photographing. The morning sunlight is golden and reminds me of honey against the tree branches - the birds look like leaves until you look closer. Thousands of them. They were waiting for eachother and the entire flock and it was interesting. Like I wonder if they find their pals and mates and such as they wait and then decide to move on. It totally inspired me to be awake at least by 7 am in the mornings - such a beautiful time of day!
den 10 mars Befriending Anxiety and letting it goI've decided not to run from my anxiety but to sit with it. I realize that it is a secondary emotion - that it pops up with triggers or just out of habit and it isn't the enemy - rather in some ways it was there initially to make me slow down and quetion things when my brain wasn't working - like fear, it at times makes me wonder - is this safe? Is this a good decision? SO instead of being mad everytime I feel anxiety - I thought about just embracing it the other night AND a strange thing happened - like a frightened lover suddenly confronted with a hard question - it ran away!! But then it came back and sort of talked to me softly. (metaphorically, don't worry I'm not hearing things) - I realize that anxiety and I have been friends for a long time now and it was time to have a heart to heart.
Instead of feeling frantic, I felt my body slow itself down and look at this familiar thing in the face. Typically anxiety appears when I am feeling frightened by something that I feel might harm me. It is a bit like listening to the evening news on a reel in your head all day. Also I realize that wake up each day with a brain injury often feels like walking up to a ledge and not knowing how far down you have to jump - is it a cliff or just a little bump in the path? I'm never sure, so each day I feel like I wake up with so much uncertainity, anticipation and fear about making okay decisions regarding these leaps of faith. For some time now though I have been just sitting with my friend anxiety on the ledge and being stuck. SO I'm trying to approach it differently. It is time. WAY time.
I'm scared but it is time to move forward - I've decided to make some boundaries with my friend fear as you would maybe a friendship that has started to go sour and turn counter-productive. I'm not sure it is enirely healthy to seperate my anxiety as something or someone "other" - but the analogy is helping me to see things more clearly right now. My body is just so familiar with this reaction that I need to stop this habit and it has become a habit. It is a reason to procastinate and overthink everything. So like listening to a friend who is fearful, I have decided to question my friend more. Almost like an overprotective parent and a teen struggling for some independence.
It will take small steps but I'm ready. I haven't been living. I have been avoiding these feelings with over-eating, overspending, over-working and even my latest disaster of trying to cope with drinking - all of these tactics were a like rebellious teen making poor choices not decisions that would lead to a new developed sense of responsibility, confidence and productivity that could be a part of my new life. I have been focused on work because I thought that if I could at least do okay at my work then I would feel okay, but my life suffers greatly because in order to do this with the focus and over focus that I have been, I don't have the energy to do anything else like nuture friendships or feel like I'm living fully. I normally work until I fall on my face and need to sleep for a few days which is okay for a photographer but it is overdoing and then falling apart - a cycle I have been in since the injury really. Work feels like furfilling everyone else's expectations, when I fall apart on the other side, I am a mess. Friends and life calls and I have to decline and rest. Over-eating and other excesses are just for emotional comfort or my attempt to fill the void that is where my life is without work.
I feel scared all the time and mostly when I am tired. I am normally always tired from over-working or over-doing everything. In my old pre-injury life - I could work more and do more - accepting that the scales have changed is a part of me that possibly my friend anxiety has been trying to teach me. I need to be confident and happier with smaller accomplishments and with these small accomplishments be able to do a little bit more in all areas of my life but less. If that makes sense. In a way I have to train my body, heart and brain to re-balance. Like many people in the world, my life has changed. I have fought it all the way. In some ways it has made me overcome limitations, but it is time to reel some things in in order to lead a more balanced and happy life.
Willing to try things differently - taking note when anxiety appears more than normal - and being grateful for the small accomplishments will actually be a big accomplishment for me. Love at times is letting go - and I need to let go of my love and friendship with anxiety and start to become familiar with routines and calm. I've held anxiety so close. It is time to walk to the ledge alone and learn slowly that I can hold on will navigating to the other side. That each morning I can take small steps rather than big leaps into abysses or stand on the side wondering about big leaps when really all I have to do is take it one small inch at a time.
It feels frustrating to go slow but I'm willing to try it.
den 7 mars Doctors? Can they make a decision?Oh for heaven's sakes - I just went to one of my doctors and he disagrees with the other doctor that I have to see as far as my medication. It is crazy - they are sort of asking me and yet telling me not to take one thing with the other - but not talking to each other or making a decision. I am not a doctor obviously so them giving me this sudden choice in my own care is about as confusing to me as a puzzle - I mean I agree completely with patient advocacy but what if I'm not informed enough to make the decision? One says no big deal the other says yes it is - so ahhhhh! den 6 mars Complete AnxietyI'm not sure I can visit my mom in my old rehabilition hospital (it is three hours away, but it isn't the distance)- this sounds ridiculous but so much fear surrounds the place to me because it was where I was after my brain injury. I think that is why I am so anxious. Last night I literally had dream after weird dream - throwing me into the shakes. And today I feel as if every nerve is on the outside of my body - exposed and raw. It is my day off and I can barely seem to get it together. I search my brain for why I am feeling this way - my mother in the same hospital that I was in - her being in pain - my love for her - this overwhelming worry. It was much easier being in the hospital myself than imagining my mother there. My friends who have lost their parents this year has been on my mind through this entire process as well. I am so scared of losing my mom. The love I feel for her is everything and yet the anxiety associated with something - loss perhaps - I can not seperate from that hospital. I would much rather help her when she is at home which is in another state and stay with her and help her through that transition. I feel like a terrible daughter but...literally I can not think today. I can not seem to get ahold of my nerves. den 5 mars Habit Changing - Hello HappinessDid you ever notice a moment of bliss and then feel your mind cycle around for the next problem because it is so used to having something going on? WOW - bad habit I noticed in myself!! Actually I was upset yesterday over something ridiculous and I went and watched a local league play ice hockey at night- it was so relaxing to go to the rink and watch - since it wasn't the pro's or super competitive - but they were working hard - there wasn't the fighting or cut throat aspect to the game. It was a bunch of guys (maybe some girls who knows with all that padding) who love the game. I absolutely loved watching people do something that they loved and it was like meditiation in that it took my mind off of everything but what was in the present moment. It was the most relaxing hour in a long time. Also the rink is a bit like "home" to me so maybe that has something to do with it. NO matter where I am living if I go to the rink it is "home" - familiar as a childhood creek or backyard. I didn't really realize this until last night and my sense of calm and "okayness" with everything while I sat there. I didn't even have to be on the ice - in fact not being on the ice kind of reminded me more of the time I spent at the rink all day because that was the time when you weren't working, you were waiting for the ice to be cleared or taking a deep breathe or whatever. I think they might find it weird if I took up residence on one of the benches all day though hmm. darn!
This therapist that I found across the country had mentioned making a new routine - that a new routine would help with this sort of generalized anxiety that I have grown so accustomed to -and I realize that without it, I actually go looking for it. Oh gosh that sounds crazy, but it is true. I've become so used to feeling scared and fear that when I let my guard down I feel so different that it scares me - thus taking me back to my "normal" heightened level of scared. This sounds ridiculous but I am suddenly aware of it. How I wear scared like a veil to protect me. But in fact, my body has physically started to rebel and that is an awakening. The thing is is that I have a warped sense of what is safe and what isn't - almost worse than a child who hasn't learned things yet - it feels that way anyway or that is the closest I can come up with as an example. A lot of times with the brain injury particularily in the beginning I had done something stupid and looking back thought oh my gosh what was I thinking? and am so grateful that something bad didn't happen. It comes down to not having self-confidence in myself and my "new brain" - I don't necessarily trust my decision making skills and since I now know that so much can change in an instant, this is hard. I wonder how you regain this sense of confidence in a different reacting brain that is so different from your old one? I've tried not thinking about it - but that doesn't work. My year of avoidance has taught me much - this stuff is now staring me in the face even bolder - but maybe that is good because even if I wasn't fully aware of it in the past - it was there and keeping me stuck. I know it was. It was just harder to articulate.
I don't really want to go to therapy again but maybe I should for a bit. I've always looked at therapy as like going to the gym for your mind. Everyone where I came from talked about therapy like it was a gym visit. Here in a smaller town people find it amazing that I admit to therapy - jeeps where I used to live if you didn't go people asked each other why the heck not!
Anyway, I am tired of writing about it. But okay too.
I have decided to try to follow my new schedule as a "guideline" and that will help me with staying on track even when I fall off track - my all or nothing thinking is unhealthy. Also, I am starting to make my own schedule a priority which is new to me.
I also started to realize that I need to remember the line "good enough" - I have always been a bit of a perfectionist - it started early in my childhood with sports being my priority - skating - and doing that 40 hours a week - there was always a sense of completing something and then perfecting it then moving on to the next challenge - it worked well at work as well later in my life - but I remember in my last job which was really busy and constantly in ,motion before my injury and my boss saying that I had to learn to at some point with some lower priority things to say, "Good enough" and move forward. I need to remember to repeat this mantra with some things. With so many ideas of perfection in society and striving to multitask and use cellphones and be constantly in motion and in good emotion, I realize that I need to slow the pace down, adapt to my new way of doing things one at a time, not compare myself to other's expections all the time and approach small things with the philosophy of its okay to do just okay sometimes.
I'm glad to be learning these new things - putting them to practice is another thing but one that I am now willing to try. I want to experience happiness because I am so grateful - but even my own criteria for happiness and accomplishment needs to change. This is okay. I will learn to start and this will be my training for a different way of thinking. I look forward to having more perspective. More calming moments. I try to think of what I would tell someone else and realize that I need to give myself more room for learning through mistakes, bouncing back through difficulties and stop overthinking. It is so easy to make a mountain out of a mole hill with so many society messages of perfection. I must learn to simply live without being reactionary to everything instead. Living in a reactionary "mode" has been scarey because not everything is in my control. I need to let go and trust God a bit.
My best to all.
den 3 mars Hellooo Humor Where'd you go?Hello Humor, Where'd you go? Suddenly tonight I read this small gift book (I am the person that is the perfect market for the cash register display pick-up, I get them like a maniac) and it cracked me up. It was a stupid little book but I started laughing. And that was when I noticed, well heck, I haven't heard that sound in awhile! My mom started it tonight. I have never been so happy to hear a slurred, "I love you." in my whole life (I've hung out with my fair share of drinkers) but she is finally on some pain killers after knees replaced and I felt so relieved - she said it so loud that I think the whole floor must have heard. It brought tears to my eyes - but what was funnier was her humor - she's such a trooper. The fact that my mom was giggling on the phone to me made me realize too - wow I haven't laughed in awhile.
It seems when things get rough, and they just do, it is easy to get trapped into sadness and fear, but occasionally there is some comedy going on somewhere that brightens even the darkest days. I've had moments of humor about my injury quite frequently - tough annoying but let's face it - a brain injury does make the world an interesting place. For instance today, I was actually mad at my friend's loud car turn signal! Everytime she turned I thought I'd lose it - I was so irritable, looking back I have to laugh. I was not the least bit irritable that she drove through our small town like a city person with road rage and we made it to the movies in such warp speed that I think the pre-commercials must have run on a loop three times before the previews started. I've never made it to the movies before the lights were dimmed. And the commercials - well, when did they start that?
Also I fell down my outside steps this afternoon. For some reason my rent covers parking lot/drive way plowing but not stairway shovelling. I'm slightly grateful for this because it was a slightly graceful decline - in fact what a great way to just sled down the stairs on my newly padded extra fattened rear-end. I looked at my neighbor and with no sense of humor and actually told her that I meant to do that - I said it in a very self-confident way which makes it even funnier. Who am I kidding!?!
The other day too after wearing a helmet and giving the ice skating rink guy emergency numbers and calling a friend to tell her she was my "emergency skating injury contact" (so official), I finished skating feeling slim already from the exercise, exuberant from the wind on my face as I moved and did laps around the rink, and then with no helmet and my emergency contact number in the trash since I was leaving the rink, fell promptly in the parking lot! The slew of curse words that I whispered definitely rivaled a lobster fisherman in Maine. Yes, I've been there and they are the best cursers that I have ever heard - combinations are the ticket to amazing cursing. But how funny is all my precautions, then confident, hips shaking as I am leaving and whamo! honestly every time I try to act cool, I fall - it is true that I should definitely have been given the role of Bridget Jones in her movies. I am her in real life.
Another funny for the week was my real serious attempt at meditation. I figured out how to do it and was feeling so serene but when I opened my eyes I realized my dog had lapsed into full fledged anxiety over my new calming state. Apparently this is new to her after living with me for 8 years. Poor thing she never knows what is my next phase. For instance today I tried crystal therapy on my chakras - I don't know much about this and my dog ran off with my heart chakra stone in her mouth and we ran around my place playing tag as I furiously tried to reclaim my "stone" yelling, "hey, hey, that is my heart chakra! give it baaaacccckkk~~~!!!" Poor dog she used to eat Quarter Pounders with Cheese with me and now is trying to understand nutrisystem diet. She isn't pleased with all this stuff.
What else? Oh I went to a "black tie" affair in my brown cordouroys - I'm sure that's not how you spell that but you know the pants that swish with the ridges - yep those. It was like going to the Oscars in jeans. People were so kind to comment on my coat which I decided to wear through dinner. :) I honestly wish that someone might have mentioned the attire code for the evening. I must have missed that. But on the other hand saved some money! and definately did not do "trendy"! and no one was wearing my outfit! One woman in a fairly sheer dress actually did tell me she admired a woman that could go against the norm. That was interesting. and quite the stretch for a compliment so I can't begin to thank her enough. Although thinking back what if she was referring to herself? Well, I hadn't thought of that - honestly I need to reel in my self-importance.
Well, that's all I can think of...oh wait, yep one more, since I don't drink anymore, I miss seeing the friends that I met at the bar, so a few weeks ago I went in to have soda - well into the second diet pepsi, the guy I was talking to actually asked me if I was alright to get home. With raised eye-brows I almost lied and said whew yeah the rum in this drink is really "wow". But I just started to laugh and told him I was fine. Concerned citizens beware, I act the same apparently drunk or sober, which means yep, this is my personality. :) Cool. I joked about it with friends and did the "superstar lunge" have you guys seen that movie "Superstar" ?- if you haven't it is odd but I got a kick out of it. We do the "superstar lunge" at the office sometimes when everyone gets too tired or cranky - it always makes us crack up, no matter what. You can be having the worse day and can't help but laugh at it. Try it - I dare ya!
Well, it is morning and I have yet to fall asleep. I sleep for a few hours and then wide awake. I could do some work but worry about that. One time I added an extra zero to my rent check because I did it at three in the morning. It was an eye-opening warning not to attempt too many things in the wee hours on no sleep. Also I wrote a caption one time and married two people who were not married in a photograph for a publication. That didn't go over so well. So ...playstation anyone?
my best and love to you all
den 2 mars anxiety depression relief grateful is it possible to feel all?Oh what a mess, a mess I am today. So many different emotions, so many, is possible to feel them all at once?
My mom is doing really well - she has had a tough haul - low blood pressure caused her to be unable to take pain medication after her knees were replaced - so now after a few days they are finally able to give her medication. It is unimaginable surgery when I think of it clinically, I get the chills, thinking of her in so much pain makes me want to cry and now that she is okay, I cry with grateful relief. I am so very grateful that she is okay. Two of my best friends lost a parent or both parents this last year. I had this dreadful feeling of her going into surgery - so frightened. I went to a mass for my friend's father the other day - it was in her intention, the mass and for her father given to her in a card by a friend. It is hard for me to seperate her grief from my own and as well my friend sitting on the other side of me who had lost both of her parents. Since the injury, I feel so much. I feel so much on the inside and so much for my friends that it is hard to seperate them from myself - an odd thing really. An odd and not comforting thing maybe for them because it is hard not to feel their pain and actually be helpful to them instead of being a wreck. I want to be supportive but feel so overwhelmed by emotions.
I actually called a therapist referred to me by a friend who I recently found out suffers/ed from anxiety. It was kind of him to give me her name and share his story of overcoming some difficult things. I was so proud of him and he smiled - knowing and understanding anxiety - it was easy to compliment him on things, facing his fear, when others tell him it is no big deal - I told him how brave he was to face his fears and it was this honest connection of celebration over knowing what a big deal it is to do something so scarey that one can feel anxiety over, face it square on and do it boldly. He said I was the first person to really understand what a big deal it was and to congratulate him on something he was so proud of that few understood as a really big victory for him.
The therapist has unfortunately retired, happy for her, but sad because she has relocated to the other side of the country to be with family, again happy for her, bummed for me. She talked to me for almost an hour. I asked if I could pay her but she refused. She understood everything I was going through - brain injury, insecurities, Aquired ADD, anxiety, identity challenges, loss, coping and even trying to drink and eat my way to comfort, other's expectations, my past personality before the injury and the changes that I have had to face, the extreme mood and lifestyle swings, fatigue, gratefulness to the point of anxiety, my desire ot feel unstuck from this cycle - all of it. She was amazing! The fact that she understood made me feel so much better. I felt like I was on a ship and lost. Somehow she let me know that this is a common course for all with what I have been through and am going through. That in a sense it was normal. I sigh with relief just thinking about our conversation. She gave me some very helpful tips - particularily about being more realistic in my goals and exercising only half an hour a day instead of bouncing from overdoing to not doing. Also to develop a steady, even, routine that I can handle rather than overcompensating for my limitations and then falling on my face - she also said that I could retrain my body not to react constantly with generalized anxiety by changing the routine in which I have been living. Unfortunately she was stuck on who to send me to locally as very few in this area have her backround of working with brain injury and ADD - she said that basically I would have to sort of educate my therapist as I went along - to try several therapists and find a fit. She gave me a place to start. I had been working with a therapist two years ago but we stopped progressing sort of and she understood why - he was focused on my injury and I wanted and was ready to hear more about what I could do in the present and future more than focusing on what I had lost - after two years of discussing loss with him - each therapy session was like re-living the injury and trauma - it was exhausting and expensive and turned non-productive and at times counter-productive. I barely ever left without crying and feeling badly for the rest of the day.
Last night was my final emotion straw for the week - I went to a clothing sale thingy sponsored at a friend of a friend's house. The mirrors were angled because they weren't attached to the wall but even still the other people barely looked different - on the other hand, I was amazed at my body. It is huge. I really had known that I had packed on the pounds this year but I have started really losing weight recently on new diet and thought I was looking much better - I was shocked and while it is superficial compared to my gratefulness about so many things this week and the larger scheme of life - my remaining self-esteem went down the tiolet. Who was that women in the mirror? I barely recognized her. It brought back feelings of the injury and then also such regret and just so much regret over how I had handled it this past year full of mistakes. I realize though that I learned so much this past year though. I tried a new way and it was the wrong way but I tried it. I tried to date - it was the wrong guy - but I tried it. He was so critical the guy that I dated and even though some may have not felt that way, I did because of where I was in my life. It was difficult for me to hear personal criticism from someone when I felt they had not known or could not understand just how far I have actually travelled and improved since being injured. The progress, the work, the achievements, the disappointments and trails in reaching those small achievements. My self-esteem was too fragile for even the slightest comments when I let someone into my private life. He could not understand for instance that some little things did not bother me - or understand that I found a friend in someone like the convenience store worker whom I saw every day. Grant it I was probably also a wreck at certain times being that two beers made me wasted. I am humbled and embarassed by that part. I felt securtity though in being a couple for the first time in a long while though. In retrospect, I feel stupid and frightened for being vulnerable to the wrong guy. But I did learn from him that I needed to work on myself before dating - that I was too sensitive, that right now, I am sensitive. Many of my quirks are okay with me - for instance, I care for others even when I barely know them, I am not afraid to talk to people, I smile at others first. So while I suffered a large sense of rejection from his comments that were constant and critical, I did hear them and learned from some of them. It was interesting to learn what I was willing to change and what I held fast to. What I valued and what I have learned from almost losing my life. Valuing some of my changes in perspective. But for the most part it was a disaster and hit me hard. And in another part it motivates me to move forward in a much more positive direction. I definitely will not date for awhile, I do want to learn more about being friends with a guy, going to all girls catholic school did not teach me much about this. And I think that men do think differently and I have to learn about that.
Well, in many senses I have shared too much here possibly but if it helps someone else, so be it. I hope it does. Writing is like therapy for me - I learn as I write -
I learn through your perspectives too and love reading your blogs. My best to you all. den 28 februari SquirelsMy neighbor who I adore is I think trying to train the squirels outside of our house to stay away from her birdfeeder. It doesn't bother me most days that she wakes me but today was not the day to wake up to the banging. I don't know if she found something louder to bang on - maybe a bucket or something but I've been awake since the crack of dawn and feeling very grumpy. I think that the squirels are just winter hungry. They are either different ones each day or they have little wee brains, or they just don't mind getting stomped at if they can get just a little food before hand. I am thinking of putting up my own squirel feeder just to solve the problem. I don't want to encourage them to flock to my place - but it is becoming a possiblity that I am seriously considering. With my mom's surgery this morning all I wanted to do was catch a few winks of sleep since I couldn't sleep all night. I'm not sure how to tell my neighbor not to do this. She has been so kind and I'm sure there is a zillion things that I do that drive her crazy but ???????????? den 27 februari MomMom is going in for surgery replacement of knees. She will be operated on tomorrow. I know that they perform this surgery all the time - but it just seems like such a long time to be put under and the procedure itself makes me gulp if I think about it too specifically or clinically. I wish I could do it for her - actually I'd be scared out of my mind - but still I wish I could do it for her - trade places. The idea of thinking of her in pain or anything happening to her is beyond my scope of anything. I'm scared of a lot of things but I haven't been this scared really ever. From my own experience of working in hospitals and then being a patient in them - I just know too much and too little. An odd combination I know but true. But my mom is so special to me as a mom and as a person. She is brillant. She is a gardener and makes everything grow and her gardens are so beautiful. There is a simplicity about my mom - she is like her mother in this way - taking really good care of things and like, it is hard to explain really, for instance, my grandmother had the same dishtowels for the entire time I knew her until I was 16 when she died- same with sneakers - she just took such good care of the things around her that they lasted. Very few "extras" - this caring to things - like I had a blanket that she always had in her guest bedrooms - they must have been washed a zillion times and they were so soft. There is something so sentimental about those things because of the way that she cared. My mom is the same way - minimalistic - caring - faith - stability - creative - genuine - honest - observing and appreciating everything - quick to smile - understanding - compassionate - logical - amazing common sense - steady - fearless - strong - gentle. So many wonderful qualities that I can't even begin to list them all. She cares so much about her family. She cares so much that we all get along and be friends and see eachother. She photographs birds lately and they are such amazing pictures and I love to watch her photograph. I love to watch her patience for a moment to present itself. I can't count high enough to the amount of times she has told me to notice things - to look out at the sunset, for instance. There is this amazing strength about my mom. She is not extreme or overpowering with this strength - it is a "quiet strength" that has taught me much about being a person and a woman. She is daring - quiet but bold and not scared of things. She has always taught me to "keep my chin up" and "go for it" - She calls me her "comeback kid" since the accident as she encourages me to redefine my life and explore new possiblities. She listens endlessly, talks to everyone, cares about others. When I got hurt she taught me to be bold and try and try again - and her philosophy on this has enriched my life so much. A mother that is so many things - hugs, talks, walks, listening, tells the truth, humorous, leads by example, - she has held me close and then set me loose to grow like her gardens at times most important. She has this grace that is hard to describe. Grace - yes, it is this grace, like watching a really good skier carve the perfect turn - a zen-like quality - a beauty to her soul. I'm so grateful to know her and so honored to be her daughter. I can't wait to see her again. I can't stop thinking about all the things that she is - all her remarkable qualities rolled up in one person. I am trusting God to look out for her tomorrow and keep her safe, help her through this and get back to growing her gardens and being happy. I love her so much. den 26 februari Skating and Helmet!I am so excited - my new skates came in today and I went and picked them up and had them molded to my feet (new technology - very cool! Hot actually! but you know what I mean) So it was great the guy was able to attach my old blades onto my new boots which has such sentimental value to me. It is like bringing a bit of the past and the future together. It was kind of sad to see my old training skates without any blades. So much time spent in those boots - I used to skate 40 hours a week during training. It was my passion as a child. The skates that I needed were just one size bigger but the old ones cut off my cirulation in three seconds when I tried them on in my place. I have agreed with doctors that I would not jump or spin - just take laps around the rink for exercise AND I have to wear a helmet. Totally embarassed about the helmet part - it is black and when the disco light on public sessions go on, I know that my helmet will reflect the light and I will look like a crazy disco light all on my own!! ha - kinda funny. But i am willing to do whatever it takes to get back out there. It will be great exercise for me since I have gained weight and am not allowed to do so many other sports. I am scared but excited. Plus my anxiety level is rocketed so it will help me calm a bit - mom is getting knees replaced and I know she will feel so much better but am so concerned about the surgery part. My mom is a really strong person. I am just so nervous for some reason. She seems calm but I know that she is probably with a racing mind too - The surgery is on Thursday. Skates have been a nice diversion but see the moment I start thinking about my mom...I just can't stop thinking about it. She will be going to the same rehab that I attended as well following the surgery. They are nice and good. I will feel fine once she is in rehab - this week is hard though. My mom has always been this pillar of strength and consistancy. I just have seen her in pain one other time and because her pain threshold is so strong it is scarey to see her when something hurts her - it means it is severe. I keep reminding myself that people are getting this surgery very often, but it doesn't seem to help my nerves. Can't sleep, work, or eat. den 25 februari BlossomMy friend is going through a divorce. She has come over recently in the past several weeks for tea. Loss, others, my own, no matter what the circumstances, is hard. Loss catches us off guard, shakes our feelings of security, self-esteem, and the feelings that go with loss are similiar even when the situations are not. Her loss is much different than my injury, but I find that the advice I occasionally bestow to her is about things that I need to work on myself- confidence, becoming your own friend, positive self-talk, taking time for yourself, finding your own voice and developing self help techniques, and reinventing ourselves in unchartered waters that we never thought that we would be swimming in - all of it is hard but also an oppportunity to plan new things, travelling to place both within and outside of ourselves that we never thought we would or even had the strength to try or could.
I watch her through the loss though and notice too her blossoming - becoming more of herself even though she feels adrfit in some ways. It has been ten years since my injury and I am finally learning how to treat myself better finally. It took me a long while to get to this point of discovery. I was worried about my brain, about what others thought, who I would become, how I would act, how I would survive, and muddle through the pieces trying to figure out how to reconfigure a life different than I had known. She is doing the same and my empathy for her is strong - but I notice so much of the way that we can scare ourselves into the negative zone of the unknown.
I have heard time and again in my life that living is an adventure. It is. It is filled with hard things but also somewhere past the comfort zone of the old "could have's" and "would have's," "should have's" and "what could have been's"- there is learning about what can NOW be. There is passion. There is rebuilding, falling, climbing and finding new dreams - different and new horizons with miraculous sunsets and rises. There are also pitfalls but as adventures we can choose to explore those as well, folding and studying passing moods and new emotions. We can learn and break free of old belief systems and strart to notice new ones and possiblity.
Scared - yes, it can be scarey, but friends are great support systems and also knowing that essentially we are not in control of so many situations - but the ones that we are in control of count a whole lot. In my case many things have become habit - low self-esteem, coping mechanisms that have been non-productive and often destructive, procrastination, looking for comfort in the wrong places (such as food or drinking or over-working), forgetting to be grateful, forgetting to take care of myself in an effort to be successful in some areas of my life while other areas go into chaos.
I watch my friend use words like "never" or "always" and find that I disagree with the negative self-talk even though I do it myself. Although I believe in her more than I do myself - I am beginning to see how we can sabotage our own development by thinking of the things that are hard to face - when actually just facing them is something that we are capable of and strong enough to do.
The biggest lesson I have learned in watching her and talking with her is that sometimes when life changes, it is an opportunity for us to change as well. And while change can be uncomfortable, sad and frightening - sometimes it shakes us and wakes us up a bit to remember what we value. Somehow we become more aware of what is important to us and in finding that we learn to cultivate those things. Grab ahold of things that we had let slip our minds when perhaps we were on somewhat "autopilot" and instead we can begin to plant new gardens, harvest new ideas and develop the defining ways in which we live our lives.
Tonight while drinking tea, we laughed. We joked about ourselves and the way our thoughts bounced around and we were like two artists with a blank canvas talking about what colors we might like to try on our new canvases of life. My invitation for her to come to tea was that I had hoped to help her but she helped me more than she will ever know. She taught me about our choice in how to view things and the difference that that vantage point can make.
On a side note: I had met a guy that I liked a little while ago. He is a neat freak and when I saw his house, my immediate reaction was this guy would hate me if he ever saw my cluttered space. Also I realized that we aren't college kids anymore, we are older and his place seemed well "so adult" -so clean. So I cleaned my own place in case he should ever visit and run for the hills in fright at my messiness. I decluttered my place. And then during that time period he met another girl that he liked more than me. It was disappointing, lowered my self-esteem and boistered my feelings of being inadequate. But I looked around my place, and found that even though our encounter was brief and didn't go how I wanted, I owe him a thank you and actually it is fine that he found someone he clicked with better. Because now my place is clean and, in a way, it seems that it is that way now for myself to enjoy and be proud of not for someone else's approval. It reminds me that no matter how briefly someone touches our lives - they can teach us great things and create changes that somehow the universe knows we need to learn. Suddenly I am no longer focused on the disappointing aspects of our meeting but rather the gifts that he bestowed, unknowingly but definately helpful. When I saw him last, I thanked him, he was confused, but now we are friends.
den 23 februari Just writing it outI go to a local restaurant that has a bar where I can run into friends. It is fun and enjoyable to see people that I know. I enjoy the conversations and hearing about what people are up to - but the owner has taken it upon himself to be the joker - only when his wife isn't around of course - normally he makes fun of my boots but on several occasions he has made comments about my weight. What the heck? I laugh politely because at first that seemed like the only thing I could do and I rolled my eyes - but does he actually think that his words don't hurt just a little bit?
People, some people, don't understand the power of their conversations. He doesn't really know anything about me. He doesn't nor wouldn't understand how far I've come in other categories - nor do I feel like telling him - my injury and recovery are private and personal - I share them only with people I trust. One day though he is just going to make me have to say something back. i've begun to realize that although it isn't my style, people will treat you the way that you let them. I am responsible for letting him get away with his opinions and jokes without honest defense - I've jokingly responded, "That is so mean!" but he doesn't seem to get it.
Honestly comments about my weight make me go to extremes - it kind of makes me want to gain weight - bizarre I know but it is kind of like a defense mechanism or a way of standing ground - "this is the way I am right now deal with it" - kind of feeling. When I was really sick from the injury - I lost a ton of weight - I weighed 95 pounds which let me tell you I literally probably didn't weigh that little in kindergarten. I've always been stocky and athletic and yes, now I have just spent a year really packing on some pounds. I was so tired of "fixing" myself - so tired of rehab and compensating for my injury and just feeling broken that this past year - I just sort of took a break from it for a bit - eating what I wanted was somehow part of that break - also I tried drinking which let me tell you was a humbling mistake though at first very freeing. I've been on the road of brain injury recovery and compensatory skills for ten years almost and it is draining. Honestly too I was thinking so much about my brain that I didn't really focus on the rest of my body - if I felt okay to work and rest and get back out there that was a success. "Working out" is draining to me - I know that it energizes some but for me it is like wanting to just nap afterwards. If I have an event to photograph or a shoot at night, I need to stay rested during the day hours to make it through. Tried it several different ways - tried exercising for more energy and it just seems like it does the opposite. Thus a dilemma between health and trying to work. personal vs. work. Also with work, no one knows about my injury - I'd like to keep it that way - I get scared that people will assume I am stupid or something - My IQ didn't change as with many brain injuries but all the automatic things needed to be sort of relearned. Normally, after a photo shoot I am wiped out to the point that I can barely speak - recovering my wits normally takes at least a day sometimes two. It is my passion and I love it so it is important to me that I at least do well at something. Doctors have suggested not working so much and focusing more on personal but I just can't. I wish to find a balance. If I give jobs away, soon someone else will take my place and all that I have worked for to become a photographer will feel lost. I just can't lose it. Thus personal issues suffer. Sleep schedules have always been a problem since the injury. Aquired ADD from the accident, I think is mostly responsible for the energy drain. They tried Ritalin but it made me feel like I was going 20 mph in the fast lane where everyone else was doing 90mph. It sped up everything and yes it did slow down my brain input but at the same time sped up the entire world. Aquired ADD is diffferent from regular ADD (I don't know why)- I have brought the books for helpful tips in organization and such but the treatments aren't the same, the introductions to the books normally specify this which has caused some books to be flung across the room!
Lately I have been trying new things - like the entry I wrote about about becoming my own best friend - treating myself better with healthy decisions and self-talk that I would say to, yes, a best friend. It is hard but I am working on it. I started Nutrisystem and have lost 15 pounds - still have quite a ways to go but I am feeling better - at least until this evening when I got called fat. It shouldn't bother me - it really shouldn't - but it does, I can't deny it. My initial reaction was to eat some pizza! give up. but I didn't. I did deviate from the strict diet criteria but not with unheathy foods so okay. The thing that I am trying to remember is that in life things are not "all or nothings" - I guess I've always sort of done that with things but since the accident it seems worse. I jump into things fully with this impulsivity and it is a full jump - I don't just go on a diet, I try to change everything. Thus making it harder but satisfying until a slip up and it takes me reeling in the opposite direction.
I brought figure skates today!! They arrive on Monday at the shop. So excited. I used to be a competitive skater, practicing close to 40 hour weeks wrapped around schooling when I was younger. Like many child athletes, I got injured from growing while doing too much and had to quit. It was a hard thing to stop doing. The rink had been "home" to me. I'm not supposed to skate with my injury but I promised not to try anything that requires leaving the ground and bounding through the air or any spins - basically with helmet (cute, going to be really cute I'm sure) I am allowed to do laps around the rink which will be fabulous exercise and something I love. We are even able to use my old blades though I needed new boots because - get this - my feet even got fatter - is nothing sacred from McDonalds Quarter Pounders!??! The skates are really modernized and comfortable but the best part is is that I get to use my old blades - this brings me some delight. It is like taking a part of the old to add with the new and going to the rink too will feel like going "home". Although it is a different town and rink - all rinks have this almost sacred quality to me and many skaters- using the blades from my days of training is really special to me. I'm sentimental in a weird way like that. I think the whole thing will be very meditiative too and comforting, not to mention exercise that is fun! I will stick to the restrictions, I'm a little scared but I think it will be okay - I plan to take it slow. Mentally and physically I think it will be a valuable experience. To get to do something even close to what I used to do before the accident is refreshing. Lately even though I have been trying to focus on the positive, something and I don't remember what - if it was a conversation or a situation - but I got really down about my "new" post injury life. My mom is having her knee replaced and I think maybe it is the idea of going to the hospital again that is sort of freaking me out. Maybe too it is the fact that I am back in "recovery mode" again after taking my "break".
Some of my doctors have said that I am in denial still about the injury which seems ludicrious since I deal with it a million times a day, I mean it is my brain, but they may be right, but really what are my options??? Occasionally I will ask things to my mom every once in awhile like, "did this really happen?" but it upsets her so we don't go there much. It happened and that's it, I guess I understand acceptance, but I don't accept the limitations. By not accepting the limitations, I have accomplished some surprising things, improved beyond what they thought I would in some ways and not so in others but every brain injury is different so ?
It seems that the denial has helped me to be braver, try things and not be afraid to fail, make some embarassing mistakes too but humor has been helpful.
In some ways, I have learned so much from having a brain injury and even the ADD has been helpful at times. There is a place and room for everyone and when faced with obstacles, i have found that it is an opportunity to do something differently. A few times I have come up with some crazy techniques in photography and people will say "how did you come up with that?" and I just gotta shrug - I guess it is because I have gotten used to not letting something seem like an impossibility. Also, the ADD thing is like thinking outside the box sometimes. Annoyingly, my hearing seems so acute - I can hear a conversation half way across the room - and basically if there is a clock ticking in any building, I need to remove it because I can't concentrate at all. Crowds are a problem but I avoid some of those jobs. I'm a photographer now - I am not trying to be a surgeon or a rocket scientist, so I realize that if I fail I'm not hurting someone - Art is great like that. My "weirdness" actually works to my advantage sometimes. Although sometimes I fail - my definition of failure is different - a bit more in perspective. If I fail at something it is normally a learning experience. Many things are like that. Before I was a perfectionist. I worked in healthcare administration - actually ended up going to my own hospitals which was surreal. I was somewhat shy. I thought a lot about what I said and how I said it -able to replay conversations from the day- maybe it is age but now I realize that my intentions are good so usually when the filter between my brain and mouth disconnect - which is most the time - it isn't mean or ill-willed. I have actually made many friends with my new openness and non-shy attitude. When I do say something wrong - I do apologize immediately and normally it cracks the other person up and opens up a venue for the other person to say whatever about themselves (this seems to contradict the "fat comments" paragraph but I'd never make someone feel badly on purpose like that or say something hurtful without apologizing). In fact, even though I was compassionate before, I am even more compassionate, understanding and open now. As a photographer, my subjects are quickly at ease and I love that - because hopefully in those moments I can capture a moment that brings out and shows their personality some. Also I'm not afraid to smile first and say hello. i'm definately not shy. My grandfather was a professional photographer so the leap to art was not huge - I apprenticed with a photographer for two years as well and that taught me a lot - he reminded me of the "Big Libowsky" - he was eccentric and didn't really care what others thought of him - he was refreshing as all get out in that way. I try to remember his lessons. I do wish my grandfather had lived to see me follow him into photography, as crazy as it seems, I do have conversations with him - he doesn't answer out loud so I'm not super crazy - but when faced with a dilemma I do think "oh Pop what would you do?" Somehow I feel him close to me and sometimes a solution opens up which does include an outloud "thank you Pop."
I guess what I am trying to say in the last paragraph is that life is not what I thought it would be like - but I'm grateful too - and I have learned that when certain doors close, others really do open. It is scarey sometimes feeling like unchartered waters for me - I suffer anxiety over that - but either call it "in denial" or "just plain hopeful" I continue to believe that those new doors will make me smile and remind me of the endless possiblities in the world.
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