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30 January Working itFinally back to assignments. It is great to be working. I always love this time after the holidays and New Year when everything feels like a fresh adventure.
Now that I am back to working, I have to work even harder to continue to take steps to improve my own personal life - normally when focusing on one half of my life - the other sort of falls apart. But this time I am committed in a new exciting way. I am learning to take time in the morning hours, sitting in my chair by the window with the sun shining through and warming me - and practicing my own version of meditiation. I read parts of the book, "The Meditiation Bible" and it truly has helped me understand a bit more about steps to meditate. People have been recommending it to me for ages and I just really didn't know how to go about it. Basically you can make any action into a meditation by focusing attention on that specific task. Doing the dishes, looking at the birds outside and the trees, even cleaning a bit, or just sitting and counting my breathing can calm me down and with great benefits. It is exciting to start this. Clearing my mind of all thoughts has been hard and I thought that I had to do this in order to meditate. But actually just focusing the mind on one thing is a form of meditation - which I didn't realize. hmmm. Sounds stupid when I reread this but I guess I have been missing the point of it all and making it much harder than it actually is.
I'm working to focus my energy on others as well. I can be a bit of a self-centered hermit sometimes and though I need to learn to take better care of myself and my choices - I truly want to become less "about me" all the time. Somehow my focus on improving has made me center very often on myself and how I am feeling without actually making the changes that are important to my well being rather stuck in a rut - as I start to become more productive with my own person - I have a rejuvinating feeling of wanting to reach out to loved ones and listen better.
There is this bad habit of ALWAYS relating to people through my own stories. I do it in an attempt to be compassionate and understanding and to try to put myself in someone else's shoes - however sometimes by doing that to an extreme - I take the focus off the other person by coming up with my own stories which I thought would be helpful but maybe I should do it much less often. I like relating to people - they tell a funny story about something and it reminds me of my own experiences which I share - sometimes I should just laugh and enjoy the other person's story in and of itself. It is a heartfelt mistake that I make with great good intentions but suddenly I am aware of too much. I just want people to know that they aren't alone and are relatable. There is a middle ground to everything. This year that will be my main focus - BALANCE.
Balance is hard for me. I am normally way up or down. Over-talkative or silent. Out and about or a hobbit. Over-eating or not eating at all. Over-shopping. Obsessed with OCD symptoms or fine and less anxious. Paralyzed with anxiety or completely carefree. Gosh just writing it makes me tired. The swings are just so extreme. My anxiety over the holidays had given me this acute pain in my side which was contributed to stress - the new medication that they put me on for a short time is really openning my eyes to new ways of doing things. It is meant to be a behavior modification type of experiece. And it certainly is. Gosh, I feel embarassed by my extreme things in a way suddenly as I realize that there is a medium for the first time since the accident really.
Also being brave - I want to be braver. I worry so much that I am missing things so - I am going to be brave and appreciate the present while making the best choices I can at the time and not dwell on EVERYTHING. I am the QUEEN of DWELLING. I have amazed people when I talk of my thought process - the way I can take a simple thought - run it through a series of possibilities and whamo - seemingly unrelated subjects relate and become huge. Whew - exhausting. And not good for my body, mind and spirit.
Body - starting nutrisystem and exercise regimen!! So psyched.
Mind - listen more, quiet down, laugh, read, write, photograph, paint, meditate, focus on present, stop the "loop (and it is a loop) of worry"
Spirit - meditate and go to the church that I like more often, trust in the universe and higher power, relax and feel the connection not only to others but also to my own mind and body and soul. Spend time with others and listen.
Work ideas seem to spring to mind easier as I take care of these three above things. Love seems to overflow and be my energy.
There is a lot about me that I wish I could "poof" change - but I realize that it is a process and a journey - learning new things has been rewarding lately not frustrating as I normally feel. Also after trying to date really for the first time since the injury - I realize that I am not ready yet. If the right person came along that is different but I really need to focus on the things right now. Dating made me realize that while I have made great strides in recovery - I still need some time to understand balance. Dating at that point became my main focus and everything else really did start to unravel - while the guy loved being the center of my attention - it wasn't mentally healthy for me. in fact by the end I found myself a downright mess! also I felt so off-kilter and confused by all the emotions swirling around. I have this fear that I will always be single and I do wish to share my life with a partner - but I am okay being single. I had a birthday a bit ago and that was what got me thinking about singlehood - also being around my siblings who all have spouses and children really sort of made me wonder about my future. I beat myself up for a bit but then realized that I am okay and I really like my life.
Searching for others' approval has been something that I have done since childhood - which I think is normal to some extent - wanting love, wanting to be accepted. But I am learning that what I have been searching for and failing miserably at in my older age is learning to accept myself - an underlying reason why I seek it so much from others. The fact is, right now, though I do care and love myself, I don't like myself very much. I saw an interview with Cher and I loved her comment in response to a personal question where she replied - "I answer to myself and God." I guess in some ways that could seem cold but I could use a bit of that personal responsiblility. If at the end of the day, I find it hard to look in the mirror. I need to make the changes. No excuses. No regret. Forgive myself and strive to learn from my lessons.
25 January Peace and "cleaning house"Before Christmas vacation, I went to a party at a guy's house that I was interested in - his house was immaculately clean - almost to the point where it looks like no one lives there. My initial thought was "no way is this guy EVER going to see MY place - filled with clutter, things everywhere, stuff strewn about as if if I could see it then I would know where it was - plus it just didn't feel "important."
I believe that we meet people for reasons - we learn something from everyone even if the encounter is briefly with a stranger or someone we meet for a short time. This guy's place sort of woke me up. We are the same age and while I was living the cluttered life of maybe an "un-grown-up" - I suddenly as strangely as it sounds realized that I am a grown up. That my parent's house which is immaculate as well wasn't the only "grown-ups" - I was finally a grown up too! I began to clean. It started small - then switched to the closets - I live basically out of the laundry basket - once clean I merely pull the clothes out of the basket and when it is empty, I do laundry again. Since the accident, I really haven't hung up clothes in the closet or had extra clothes that were clean.
The book that I am reading, "This Year I Will..." asks the important question... "What purpose or what is the need or the root of the reasons WHY you do the things that you wish you could change or that aren't working in your life."
I pondered this and began to realize that in a sense my fear of change - a result of the accident and sort of the awakening that things are uncertain, has altered the way that I take care of things, including myself. In a sense the little things like true friendships and noticing things took on more meaning, while at the same time other little things seemed trival, and that includes myself (how's that for low self-esteem).
As I had the pain in my side and was recuperating from a cold, I had some extra time on my hands and really felt sort of inspired by my reaction to that guy's really organized home. It started small. First was my bureau top - cluttered with jewelry, hair supplies, a ton of junk, and even to my surprise and disgust, a half eaten bagel! oye. I sifted through, putting things in the empty drawers and now the top of the bureau was organized. I enjoyed seeing it and actually found the process relaxing - and now things really ARE easier to locate. Then came some laundry - I did more than usual and hung it up in the closet! Yes, it is a "little thing" but in ways it was sort of comforting and yet, I was also facing a deep rooted newly identified fear. I think I felt that if I lived sort of like a "homeless person" that I would have as much to lose if I lost everything again the way I did with the accident. The accident, though it could have been much worse and fatal, really frightened me with how transitory life really is - also the loss of my mind/my brain not operating was like being stripped. I wasn't frightened at the time because I was so out of it for awhile, but when I started to "get better" I also began to feel, see and notice my new limitations and deficits. It was embarassing, and still is because sometimes I feel so stupid, the whole thing has been frightening, and has made me feel so vulnerable and scared. It was as if I was searching for a word and couldn't come up with it and felt the same way about my life. So many of the skills that I had learned were gone.
I hate asking for personal help. I can ask a million work related questions, but not so easily for anything not work oriented. Yesterday the maintenance man came through for a routine inspection. My tiolet has been running for awhile, my hair dryer blew a fuse every time I turned it on, and my tub was clogged - taking a shower was a bit like taking a shower AND a bath since the water would be nearly knee deep by the time I was clean. I had tried in the past to unclog using natural ingredients then finally draino, but nothing worked and I really didn't like the idea of draino floating around my legs anyway. I couldn't figure out how to take the new age drain stopper out - so I just ignored it all and did my best. While the maintenace man was here I mentioned these things - he fixed them all! and said that he does it all the time for people. It makes sense but I hadn't wanted to make a big deal out of it so I never even thought to ask him before.
It is heaven! I called and thanked the people at the office and told them what a great job he did. I don't think he really knows how much he changed my life - it seems silly even to say that but he really did! With things hung and sorted and a bathroom that actually "works", plus his dealing with the electricity issues he was amazing and made such a big difference for me. Sure I could have continued another several years with these things to work around, but it is done! And it wasn't even that labor intensive or a big deal. But it was a big deal for me - I finally sort of was beginning to have the confidence to start "moving in" to my place for real and with it came this intense feeling of calm and a more normal lifestyle. Also I realized that it was okay to call someone and ask for help.
My deep rooted, even unrealized, fear of being comfortable in fear that I would lose something or that something would go wrong is quite a strange thing really. The realization of it though has helped me.While fear can be overwhelming, facing fear does not have to be scary - in fact, in some ways it is becoming a relief to face them. I have felt fear for awhile but have had trouble identifying what to do with it. Although scared, I am grateful and have been grateful for so much all this time - but even with the gratitude I felt fear of what I was grateful for disappearing - although I desperately clung to special moments and appreciated them while they were happening and love the moment- I just had a sense of fear too along with it sometimes.
This seems like such an odd entry but really I feel as though I am starting to live a bit more. I've begun to take better care of myself, my environment, and instead of finding it draining - it actually is very rewarding. Instead of my fear escalating, it has declined. Realizing too that my fear was preventing me from living - the very thing that I was scared of losing.
So I am willing to continue to take care of more personal things because it does make me feel more prepared for the day. I feel like I can finally be happier and face the hard things when they arise to the best of my ability - but worrying about them in the meantime is making me miss life. I know I am strong - I can do this. For the first time since the accident, I don't feel adrift and "homeless." I feel peace.
21 January Baby Steps"Baby Steps" - I just watched "What about Bob" movie again and it continues to crack me up - One it reminds me that even with disorders or whatever that there are "gifts" that come along with our imperfections. Bob is fun - he teaches a very sophisticated psychiatrist how to relate again to his children and enjoy the little things, gratitute and humor. Bob is also stuck and learns that through "baby steps" he can tackle things one at a time and learn to go out into life again even though he is scared.
I'm scared a lot. A brain injury seems to make second guessing yourself an art form. Also mistakes are a very daily part of living. It feels frightening and a bit out of control. Wanting to be more "normal" in my thought processes, I attempt constantly to surpress the feelings of fear, hide them from others out of embarassment, and struggle with self-esteem. I've become a "big picture" person instead of the detail oriented person that I once was able to do with ease. Everything needs to be written down - I can easily forget the automatic things although they seem so stupid - like I can forget to shower for an incredibly long period of time - I can forget to brush my teeth almost daily - I can buy a book that looks interesting three times before realizing that not only have I already read it but already have several copies. I can ask the same question several times if I am having a lengthly conversation. I can state the obvious as though it is an orginal brilliant idea! Most humbling at times is the lack of "filter" when talking - I can ask the most embarassing, inappropriate, personal questions - the moment they come to mind, they are spoken. I've learned quite well to say "oops, that came out wrong" or "oh jeez, I didn't mean to say that out loud" - two things can happen: the first is wonderful, people suddenly realize that they now have the "permission" to be as open as I am and make an idiot out of themselves because they know I am weird - this leads to some pretty interesting conversations and quick friends; the second less stellar reaction is they are offended and I am mortified. I've learned to apologize genuinely from the heart several times a day.
Recently due to an incredible pain in my right side, which the doctor thought was intestinal and due to stress, I was perscribed Valium, in addition to intestinal medicine. The idea of being on Valium made me want to scream at first. It still does but he assured me it would only be for a short period of time. I know the addiction rate of that drug is high but I have to say that it has taught me much. I never knew how actually frightened I was each day - suddenly my shoulders are no longer at my ears ( I didn't even realize just how tense everything was in my shoulders), also things have slowed down a bit for me to have more time to take "baby steps" - aquired ADD off the charts from the injury has left me with a racing mind that never seems to take a break making focus extremely annoying to do, frustrating, and making procrastination a top-notch trait. Also listening in a conversation is so hard so I constantly interrupt. To have a conversation, therapists taught me why it was so hard when I was fet up - first you are litening to what someone is saying, then it is interpreted in your brain, then your brain looks towards understanding, references, past experiences, context, then although the person is STILL talking you are attempting to think about a response. It is breathtaking really! I over-talk just to avoid the barrage of information flying at me. And yet, it is lonely so you seek out conversations and once you are in them - oye - a nap really feels in order.
Somehow the Valium has helped as has a break from assignments. I cleaned my place up - this is big - normally those daily chores are the one thing that I let slide because the other stuff seems more important to spend energy on. I put things in places by groups and it feels a bit easier to find things. Today anyway - I have done this before and forgotten what system I had used and completely lost things. But it feels good. I also don't feel as talkative. This is a blessing to my own ears. Quite frankly I am tired of interrupting and listening to myself trying to pretend I got it covered. I f I take out the element of actually trying to respond to what the person is saying, then I can sit and listen - I don't get it all but it is a welcomed change. Talking on the phone in a lengthly conversdation the other day - I wrote down some of the key points that the person was saying and then had time to look them over before responding - it would be stellar if I could do this in person but definately would be a bit weird.
I'm constantly trying to "measure up". Constantly trying to get better. Constantly trying so hard. This puts me through remarkable almost bipolar like stages - optimisim, unrealistic goals and hope and then exhuastion and frustration leading to depression and a desire to sleep for days. Recently I picked up the book, "This Year I Will..." ( a newly released book so I know I only have one!) and it makes great sense so far - goals need to be specific and realistic. They also need to have steps. I am bad at the steps - i'd like to hit the banaster and slide down at full speed ahead. i'm tired of relearning things that I used to know or be good at and still failing. But I like this books approach to realistic, baby steps. I am looking forward to trying it.
The other thing that I have to avoid or actually the other thing that is hard and I don't really know what to do about is that since I have tried dating recently, I was really angry to have someone watching me and commenting on the way I do things. Letting someone in to the "inner circle" of my life where my deficits are evident was really hard and I didn't like someone trying to help me. Actually the help was okay but if it was something that I had already worked through that was working for me and they were introducing the way they thought it should be done I felt resentful. It would be hard to be close to me I think. I am a strong person and even more strong since going through these things but find myself sensitive to "private life" criticism. It is like one more thing on my plate that I am not sure I can handle - and also I don't want to admitt to someone how hard such simple things can be - I don't want to explain it to someone that I want to think that I am a person that they like or that they think of as capable or even maybe smart. It makes me sad to think of myself as "undatable" but I am really miserable trying to fill even more expectations. I know that many of them are my own expectations of myself - the whole thing and the things I have to do just to maintain are embarassing though - I don't like people to see it up close. When I go out, I put on my mask in that regard, I suppose. Getting close to someone and having them want me to be more is something that almost makes me cry as I write it because I don't want to feel like I need "fixed" all the time - I don't want people to see me through the hard times when I don't have the mask on because I am scared they will leave and I really like the way they may have thought of me with the mask anyway.
WELL, I don't know how this entry took this turn to this subject - writing is like that sometimes 17 January Long timeIt feels like a century since I last wrote here. Time flies and yet I remember this time last year and it seems like a different lifetime. I was having friends over for tea and life though stressful sometimes seems as though it was relatively less crazy. So many lessons since then - trying new things that I haven't tried really since the accident. Mostly they didn't seem to pan out as easily or as I thought they would, but there was some goodness and I am proud that I have been trying. It felt brave though bewildering.
I had to confront some of the things that seem so different and much harder since the accident and brain injury. Older too yes, but more vulnerable and naive. Having a brain injury has a child like quality to it, I think anyway. While this seems like it would be disasterous and frustrating, and it is, there is also great beauty in seeing the world from a more "basic" perspective and also with a lot more sensitivity. It makes for confusion though. Unfortunately one of those things is that I take many things at face value and fall for some dishonesty - something that happens normally from time to time to everyone, but in my case I find that I missed some "red flag" along the way. I was warned by others but felt a false sense of "okayness" -this was a success in some ways - I took a chance, stepped out of my comfort zone and actually relaxed and laughed quite a bit. My tendency to think in "all or nothing" ways definately reared its head. In the aftermath, I am trying not to think of it all that way though. I did my best, I trusted, I dated someone, met new friends, made some some-what enemies, said no to some people instead of trying to please everyone, drank too much (not the best idea), laughed a lot and cried some. For a bit, I was much less fearful. It was if I was daring myself to live a little more. I regret some of it but not much and realize that it was time for me to try something - anything - new.
Since the accident there is this feeling that I am sort of a prisoner of my new circumstances injury-wise. My step back out into the world these past couple of months taught me that I really do want to push myself into some more areas that I can grow in, harshly though, I did find myself coming face to face with the changes that my injury has caused. It would be a bit like trying to jump back into a sport that I was once proficient in and find that it was really difficult. I was surprised and had to accept some truth to the doctors who caution me about some of those things. I will however not give up trying - the best bet is to learn from it all, take the weaknesses and see what new ways I can go about things.
Self-confidence, or I will say lack there-of, was something that many talked to me about - very quickly people seemed to pick up on my lack of confidence as if I had it written across my forehead. Of course, I thought I was hiding it stupendously! The fact that it was evident to people rather quickly was interesting - becuase that isn't really how I feel - I feel strong, a strong woman, independent, opinionated, head-strong, yet goofy and easily will laugh at myself.
The most surprising thing that I learned the hard way was the way that others respond to someone with low self-esteem. Yes, there were some wonderful, amazing people out there, but there were also people that took that knowledge and used it in a manipulative way. It shocked me really. I would never treat someone intentionally disrespectfully, or make them feel bad about a weakness to benefit me in any way - somehow since I didn't have the respect to have my own self-esteem some people figured that they didn't need to respect me either. An interesting social study really.
So it seems like the New Year is a great way for a clean slate, put the knowledge I've gained in my pocket and live.
I have missed you all so much and will be making my rounds to visit. :) Much love.
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