21 October
It has again been a long time since I have been to this page. I am learning but slowly. I find myself consistantly making the same mistakes even though I try to get out of the cycle. BUT I am learning through each experience. Some of it is sad and disheartening but some redeeming. I sit in a bar and watch people chat about their days, work and life, and I love the chatter. I watch others constantly. An attempt to understand and to learn the social side of life. Professionally I know how to act when I am behind a camera and at events and photo assignments but socially I feel much like a 12 year old on a playground where I don't yet know the "rules" or ins and outs to be a part of things. It is hard but interesting. I've made a lot of mistakes. One of which was alcohol in general. At first, it eased my social ackwardness but made me feel and look like a fool. In a small town that is hard seemingly to come back from. At first it made me want to simply drink more as I felt depressed but that was just a bad idea. It made me more depressed. But also I learned that bars are sometimes the lonliest places - good times but also bitterness and drama and I noticed myself responding with a sense of bitterness which just isn't the way I act nor want to be or think. Male comraderie is interesting, especially in the country, it is something that without knowing much about it, I kind of envy ...the easy banter, and there are certain rules that don't seem to apply to men as they do women in the country-life. In many ways here the woman's role is still in the household and particularily the kitchen. There is much beauty to the sense of family and family gatherings and love and to that role - I just don't have those things and being outside of that here is sort of a strange role. To be single, to be out at a bar, a women's reputation is seemingly at stake as well as the assumptions and easy gossip. I have visited the local coffee shop and the bookstores and grocery, but people are really focused there and in a rush. It doesn't really seem a place to meet people. It is just different from where I grew up and understood - it is neither better or worse, just different AND please excuse my generalizations and assumptions - there are so many exceptions and also perceptions. I shouldn't even mention it for fear of being misinterpreted or being wrong but it is something that I struggle to understand. I believe that men and women are so similiar and yet so different often. I'm amazed at the various ways of communicating and lack of communication. At bars I hear how men sometimes talk about their wives and I have trouble understanding. It makes me question who or what role in life I want to take. AND I am surprised by how sometiems mean women can be to women. BUT mostly I am honored to meet the people that I do - I find them inspiring and interesting and appreciate the different lifestyles. I'm just not sure were I fit in - and that creates a confusion. For instance I was sitting with the nicest guy chatting the other day and he said that he was in love with his girlfriend and thought of telling her so but that she "doesn't even cook or clean" he said. Here I was thinking that I was understanding this person and suddenly I realized that this guy wanted someone who was going to "take care of him" in a totally different way than I see a partnership. I mean cleaning and cooking could be part of a partnership but is it really a deal-breaker on love? I'm not saying I wouldn't cook or clean for someone - although anyone eating the food I prepare besides microwave is definately adventurous and brave, but is it a criteria to many? And even if I was great at all those things would I be willing to base love on it - I would do it out of love of course but I'm not sure I would take well to it being my "duty". Is that weird?
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