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11月3日 Honoring UniqueIt's been quite a time of learning - so much so that I find it difficult to summarize. The month of October was filled with some hard times with silver linings of lessons amongst them. I was finally getting it together with a daily sheet that reminds me what to do during the day - like brush teeth, laundry, shower - the essentials and where and what I was supposed to be doing. It has helped me so much and I had frowned on such a daily list of such "basic things" because I thought even with my brain injury and constantly forgetting things that the list was "stupid" and instead made lists like my pre-injury ones. Those previous lists constantly put me into a state of frustration and disappointment with myself, along with feelings of guilt and confusion. But the new basic list is really what I needed and putting a little check-mark by those things, marking the times, and noticing trends in mood, behavior, emotions and productivity have helped me greatly to feel better and accept when to stop, when not to get into long discussions, and also to notice problems with balancing various aspects and emotions fraying particularily at night. This has helped me know a bit more.
As I was getting the hang of things, friends and life seemed to suddenly take over with chaos. It seemed everytime the phone rang there was another problem, accident, emotional turmoil, etc. I tried to "fix" everything - I mistakenly tried to care for a woman with a broken hip who was released from the hospital way too early - I thought I could handle it but really put us both in a precarious position possibly - though nothing went wrong, she needed professionals. Then I had a friend going through some very emotional issues that were hard and I tried to go beyond guidance and be more of therapist than supportive friend. Then an accident happened with another friend and a disagreement with another. I began to fall apart - I couldn't eat and weight was pouring off me. I felt frightened and insecure, upset and over-responsible in every situation. Things started to get back together for everyone, one at a time, but I was still feeling upset and like my insides were going 1,000 mph. My stomach ached all the time. Then I realized that my ego had taken over - I was not a professional, I DO NOT know the "right" answers to life's challenges and tribulations, I am not responsible for the lessons that another takes from a situation. In my caring, I became too controlling in a way. Not controlling in a way that I had understood controlling - more like I wanted so much to help that I wanted to provide all the things that I thought people needed. I did it because I care but suddenly I realized that everyone is unique - we all learn lessons differently and different lessons from different situations. The things I was learning or thought I knew are not universal. I read books quite often and I think ahh, that's the answer to the big questions, but are they? I mean there are so many possibilities - so many things that are beyond a person's point of view.
Suddenly with prayer and love, I asked God for help. I asked that people find joy and happiness in their lives and the right path for themselves. I continue to be more supportive but less of a frustrated "critic" - I hadn't realized my own criticism. I can offer opinions to people but just because something is right to me does not make it the right way for them. An interesting thing happened - I began to acknowledge and accept my own imperfections - which I prefer to call "quirks" - there are some that simply make me different than the next person and some that I need to learn about and work to change. But I became not only more grateful of others and their unique ways, but also more accepting and okay with my own. It seems life leads us to places - places where we make choices about how to see things and how to proceed and those choices make up the beautiful array of people and their amazing various personalites and views and lifestyles. AT once a weight was lifted about being over-responsible for others and also a weight was added about becoming the person that I wish to be. How do I wish to act towards others? How do I wish to contribute? How do I want to view things -pessimism or optimism? Also, Joy. I have forgotten joy somewhere in my recovery - I became all about "fixing" my deficiets and forgot about the many joys around me and to experience. I noted a trend in seeing problems and solutions rather than being okay with the day and enjoying it with happiness. There is a time for everything.
I have always been ashamed of my brain injury. I think I will always be sad about it but I also have a unique way because my brain injury - my disinhibitions of talking to everyone, yes, needs reigned in at many times, but I have met some incredible people and hopefully made some people giggle or happy by my outgoingness. I have often felt weird about my mood swings and all the forgetting and so forth and though much of it brings some aggivation - I have learned that somethings are okay to forget, that mistakes can be ah, just mistakes and that most are not nearly as "urgently important" as I let them sometimes be and sometimes like if I forget something for a photograph something else happens and it turns out different than I had thought and sometimes better than I could have imagined. Same with the mood swings sorta - at night when I am emotional I make interesting art - or need to realize that I need to do something very quiet. During the day - the mood swing of the night prior may help me be more compassionate in a situation with someone else.
This month I am going to focus on joy. I don't know why but I note in myself and in the way others talk about themselves and activities sometimes that there seems to be a guilty feeling that accompanies joy - it doesn't make any sense. Like my one friend said she read a magazine but then immediately listed all the very productive things she did that day and at the end said something like, I feel guilty reading when I should be doing a million other things. I never feel guilty reading - that is actually one of my productive things - but I know the guilty feeling she speaks of and I'm hoping to really instead of guilt, treasure those great moments. And this month, I plan on really honoring the unique aspects of myself and others! It is really beautiful actually.
I wish I knew answers to so many things but as my favorite poet, Rainer Marie Rilke says, maybe "life is to live the questions themselves...(honoring them) and that maybe one day we will grow into the answers" and as I am realizing those answers may be different for everyone, beautifully unique, and we can learn from each other and about ourselves. |
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