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28 February SquirelsMy neighbor who I adore is I think trying to train the squirels outside of our house to stay away from her birdfeeder. It doesn't bother me most days that she wakes me but today was not the day to wake up to the banging. I don't know if she found something louder to bang on - maybe a bucket or something but I've been awake since the crack of dawn and feeling very grumpy. I think that the squirels are just winter hungry. They are either different ones each day or they have little wee brains, or they just don't mind getting stomped at if they can get just a little food before hand. I am thinking of putting up my own squirel feeder just to solve the problem. I don't want to encourage them to flock to my place - but it is becoming a possiblity that I am seriously considering. With my mom's surgery this morning all I wanted to do was catch a few winks of sleep since I couldn't sleep all night. I'm not sure how to tell my neighbor not to do this. She has been so kind and I'm sure there is a zillion things that I do that drive her crazy but ???????????? 27 February MomMom is going in for surgery replacement of knees. She will be operated on tomorrow. I know that they perform this surgery all the time - but it just seems like such a long time to be put under and the procedure itself makes me gulp if I think about it too specifically or clinically. I wish I could do it for her - actually I'd be scared out of my mind - but still I wish I could do it for her - trade places. The idea of thinking of her in pain or anything happening to her is beyond my scope of anything. I'm scared of a lot of things but I haven't been this scared really ever. From my own experience of working in hospitals and then being a patient in them - I just know too much and too little. An odd combination I know but true. But my mom is so special to me as a mom and as a person. She is brillant. She is a gardener and makes everything grow and her gardens are so beautiful. There is a simplicity about my mom - she is like her mother in this way - taking really good care of things and like, it is hard to explain really, for instance, my grandmother had the same dishtowels for the entire time I knew her until I was 16 when she died- same with sneakers - she just took such good care of the things around her that they lasted. Very few "extras" - this caring to things - like I had a blanket that she always had in her guest bedrooms - they must have been washed a zillion times and they were so soft. There is something so sentimental about those things because of the way that she cared. My mom is the same way - minimalistic - caring - faith - stability - creative - genuine - honest - observing and appreciating everything - quick to smile - understanding - compassionate - logical - amazing common sense - steady - fearless - strong - gentle. So many wonderful qualities that I can't even begin to list them all. She cares so much about her family. She cares so much that we all get along and be friends and see eachother. She photographs birds lately and they are such amazing pictures and I love to watch her photograph. I love to watch her patience for a moment to present itself. I can't count high enough to the amount of times she has told me to notice things - to look out at the sunset, for instance. There is this amazing strength about my mom. She is not extreme or overpowering with this strength - it is a "quiet strength" that has taught me much about being a person and a woman. She is daring - quiet but bold and not scared of things. She has always taught me to "keep my chin up" and "go for it" - She calls me her "comeback kid" since the accident as she encourages me to redefine my life and explore new possiblities. She listens endlessly, talks to everyone, cares about others. When I got hurt she taught me to be bold and try and try again - and her philosophy on this has enriched my life so much. A mother that is so many things - hugs, talks, walks, listening, tells the truth, humorous, leads by example, - she has held me close and then set me loose to grow like her gardens at times most important. She has this grace that is hard to describe. Grace - yes, it is this grace, like watching a really good skier carve the perfect turn - a zen-like quality - a beauty to her soul. I'm so grateful to know her and so honored to be her daughter. I can't wait to see her again. I can't stop thinking about all the things that she is - all her remarkable qualities rolled up in one person. I am trusting God to look out for her tomorrow and keep her safe, help her through this and get back to growing her gardens and being happy. I love her so much. 26 February Skating and Helmet!I am so excited - my new skates came in today and I went and picked them up and had them molded to my feet (new technology - very cool! Hot actually! but you know what I mean) So it was great the guy was able to attach my old blades onto my new boots which has such sentimental value to me. It is like bringing a bit of the past and the future together. It was kind of sad to see my old training skates without any blades. So much time spent in those boots - I used to skate 40 hours a week during training. It was my passion as a child. The skates that I needed were just one size bigger but the old ones cut off my cirulation in three seconds when I tried them on in my place. I have agreed with doctors that I would not jump or spin - just take laps around the rink for exercise AND I have to wear a helmet. Totally embarassed about the helmet part - it is black and when the disco light on public sessions go on, I know that my helmet will reflect the light and I will look like a crazy disco light all on my own!! ha - kinda funny. But i am willing to do whatever it takes to get back out there. It will be great exercise for me since I have gained weight and am not allowed to do so many other sports. I am scared but excited. Plus my anxiety level is rocketed so it will help me calm a bit - mom is getting knees replaced and I know she will feel so much better but am so concerned about the surgery part. My mom is a really strong person. I am just so nervous for some reason. She seems calm but I know that she is probably with a racing mind too - The surgery is on Thursday. Skates have been a nice diversion but see the moment I start thinking about my mom...I just can't stop thinking about it. She will be going to the same rehab that I attended as well following the surgery. They are nice and good. I will feel fine once she is in rehab - this week is hard though. My mom has always been this pillar of strength and consistancy. I just have seen her in pain one other time and because her pain threshold is so strong it is scarey to see her when something hurts her - it means it is severe. I keep reminding myself that people are getting this surgery very often, but it doesn't seem to help my nerves. Can't sleep, work, or eat. 25 February BlossomMy friend is going through a divorce. She has come over recently in the past several weeks for tea. Loss, others, my own, no matter what the circumstances, is hard. Loss catches us off guard, shakes our feelings of security, self-esteem, and the feelings that go with loss are similiar even when the situations are not. Her loss is much different than my injury, but I find that the advice I occasionally bestow to her is about things that I need to work on myself- confidence, becoming your own friend, positive self-talk, taking time for yourself, finding your own voice and developing self help techniques, and reinventing ourselves in unchartered waters that we never thought that we would be swimming in - all of it is hard but also an oppportunity to plan new things, travelling to place both within and outside of ourselves that we never thought we would or even had the strength to try or could.
I watch her through the loss though and notice too her blossoming - becoming more of herself even though she feels adrfit in some ways. It has been ten years since my injury and I am finally learning how to treat myself better finally. It took me a long while to get to this point of discovery. I was worried about my brain, about what others thought, who I would become, how I would act, how I would survive, and muddle through the pieces trying to figure out how to reconfigure a life different than I had known. She is doing the same and my empathy for her is strong - but I notice so much of the way that we can scare ourselves into the negative zone of the unknown.
I have heard time and again in my life that living is an adventure. It is. It is filled with hard things but also somewhere past the comfort zone of the old "could have's" and "would have's," "should have's" and "what could have been's"- there is learning about what can NOW be. There is passion. There is rebuilding, falling, climbing and finding new dreams - different and new horizons with miraculous sunsets and rises. There are also pitfalls but as adventures we can choose to explore those as well, folding and studying passing moods and new emotions. We can learn and break free of old belief systems and strart to notice new ones and possiblity.
Scared - yes, it can be scarey, but friends are great support systems and also knowing that essentially we are not in control of so many situations - but the ones that we are in control of count a whole lot. In my case many things have become habit - low self-esteem, coping mechanisms that have been non-productive and often destructive, procrastination, looking for comfort in the wrong places (such as food or drinking or over-working), forgetting to be grateful, forgetting to take care of myself in an effort to be successful in some areas of my life while other areas go into chaos.
I watch my friend use words like "never" or "always" and find that I disagree with the negative self-talk even though I do it myself. Although I believe in her more than I do myself - I am beginning to see how we can sabotage our own development by thinking of the things that are hard to face - when actually just facing them is something that we are capable of and strong enough to do.
The biggest lesson I have learned in watching her and talking with her is that sometimes when life changes, it is an opportunity for us to change as well. And while change can be uncomfortable, sad and frightening - sometimes it shakes us and wakes us up a bit to remember what we value. Somehow we become more aware of what is important to us and in finding that we learn to cultivate those things. Grab ahold of things that we had let slip our minds when perhaps we were on somewhat "autopilot" and instead we can begin to plant new gardens, harvest new ideas and develop the defining ways in which we live our lives.
Tonight while drinking tea, we laughed. We joked about ourselves and the way our thoughts bounced around and we were like two artists with a blank canvas talking about what colors we might like to try on our new canvases of life. My invitation for her to come to tea was that I had hoped to help her but she helped me more than she will ever know. She taught me about our choice in how to view things and the difference that that vantage point can make.
On a side note: I had met a guy that I liked a little while ago. He is a neat freak and when I saw his house, my immediate reaction was this guy would hate me if he ever saw my cluttered space. Also I realized that we aren't college kids anymore, we are older and his place seemed well "so adult" -so clean. So I cleaned my own place in case he should ever visit and run for the hills in fright at my messiness. I decluttered my place. And then during that time period he met another girl that he liked more than me. It was disappointing, lowered my self-esteem and boistered my feelings of being inadequate. But I looked around my place, and found that even though our encounter was brief and didn't go how I wanted, I owe him a thank you and actually it is fine that he found someone he clicked with better. Because now my place is clean and, in a way, it seems that it is that way now for myself to enjoy and be proud of not for someone else's approval. It reminds me that no matter how briefly someone touches our lives - they can teach us great things and create changes that somehow the universe knows we need to learn. Suddenly I am no longer focused on the disappointing aspects of our meeting but rather the gifts that he bestowed, unknowingly but definately helpful. When I saw him last, I thanked him, he was confused, but now we are friends.
23 February Just writing it outI go to a local restaurant that has a bar where I can run into friends. It is fun and enjoyable to see people that I know. I enjoy the conversations and hearing about what people are up to - but the owner has taken it upon himself to be the joker - only when his wife isn't around of course - normally he makes fun of my boots but on several occasions he has made comments about my weight. What the heck? I laugh politely because at first that seemed like the only thing I could do and I rolled my eyes - but does he actually think that his words don't hurt just a little bit?
People, some people, don't understand the power of their conversations. He doesn't really know anything about me. He doesn't nor wouldn't understand how far I've come in other categories - nor do I feel like telling him - my injury and recovery are private and personal - I share them only with people I trust. One day though he is just going to make me have to say something back. i've begun to realize that although it isn't my style, people will treat you the way that you let them. I am responsible for letting him get away with his opinions and jokes without honest defense - I've jokingly responded, "That is so mean!" but he doesn't seem to get it.
Honestly comments about my weight make me go to extremes - it kind of makes me want to gain weight - bizarre I know but it is kind of like a defense mechanism or a way of standing ground - "this is the way I am right now deal with it" - kind of feeling. When I was really sick from the injury - I lost a ton of weight - I weighed 95 pounds which let me tell you I literally probably didn't weigh that little in kindergarten. I've always been stocky and athletic and yes, now I have just spent a year really packing on some pounds. I was so tired of "fixing" myself - so tired of rehab and compensating for my injury and just feeling broken that this past year - I just sort of took a break from it for a bit - eating what I wanted was somehow part of that break - also I tried drinking which let me tell you was a humbling mistake though at first very freeing. I've been on the road of brain injury recovery and compensatory skills for ten years almost and it is draining. Honestly too I was thinking so much about my brain that I didn't really focus on the rest of my body - if I felt okay to work and rest and get back out there that was a success. "Working out" is draining to me - I know that it energizes some but for me it is like wanting to just nap afterwards. If I have an event to photograph or a shoot at night, I need to stay rested during the day hours to make it through. Tried it several different ways - tried exercising for more energy and it just seems like it does the opposite. Thus a dilemma between health and trying to work. personal vs. work. Also with work, no one knows about my injury - I'd like to keep it that way - I get scared that people will assume I am stupid or something - My IQ didn't change as with many brain injuries but all the automatic things needed to be sort of relearned. Normally, after a photo shoot I am wiped out to the point that I can barely speak - recovering my wits normally takes at least a day sometimes two. It is my passion and I love it so it is important to me that I at least do well at something. Doctors have suggested not working so much and focusing more on personal but I just can't. I wish to find a balance. If I give jobs away, soon someone else will take my place and all that I have worked for to become a photographer will feel lost. I just can't lose it. Thus personal issues suffer. Sleep schedules have always been a problem since the injury. Aquired ADD from the accident, I think is mostly responsible for the energy drain. They tried Ritalin but it made me feel like I was going 20 mph in the fast lane where everyone else was doing 90mph. It sped up everything and yes it did slow down my brain input but at the same time sped up the entire world. Aquired ADD is diffferent from regular ADD (I don't know why)- I have brought the books for helpful tips in organization and such but the treatments aren't the same, the introductions to the books normally specify this which has caused some books to be flung across the room!
Lately I have been trying new things - like the entry I wrote about about becoming my own best friend - treating myself better with healthy decisions and self-talk that I would say to, yes, a best friend. It is hard but I am working on it. I started Nutrisystem and have lost 15 pounds - still have quite a ways to go but I am feeling better - at least until this evening when I got called fat. It shouldn't bother me - it really shouldn't - but it does, I can't deny it. My initial reaction was to eat some pizza! give up. but I didn't. I did deviate from the strict diet criteria but not with unheathy foods so okay. The thing that I am trying to remember is that in life things are not "all or nothings" - I guess I've always sort of done that with things but since the accident it seems worse. I jump into things fully with this impulsivity and it is a full jump - I don't just go on a diet, I try to change everything. Thus making it harder but satisfying until a slip up and it takes me reeling in the opposite direction.
I brought figure skates today!! They arrive on Monday at the shop. So excited. I used to be a competitive skater, practicing close to 40 hour weeks wrapped around schooling when I was younger. Like many child athletes, I got injured from growing while doing too much and had to quit. It was a hard thing to stop doing. The rink had been "home" to me. I'm not supposed to skate with my injury but I promised not to try anything that requires leaving the ground and bounding through the air or any spins - basically with helmet (cute, going to be really cute I'm sure) I am allowed to do laps around the rink which will be fabulous exercise and something I love. We are even able to use my old blades though I needed new boots because - get this - my feet even got fatter - is nothing sacred from McDonalds Quarter Pounders!??! The skates are really modernized and comfortable but the best part is is that I get to use my old blades - this brings me some delight. It is like taking a part of the old to add with the new and going to the rink too will feel like going "home". Although it is a different town and rink - all rinks have this almost sacred quality to me and many skaters- using the blades from my days of training is really special to me. I'm sentimental in a weird way like that. I think the whole thing will be very meditiative too and comforting, not to mention exercise that is fun! I will stick to the restrictions, I'm a little scared but I think it will be okay - I plan to take it slow. Mentally and physically I think it will be a valuable experience. To get to do something even close to what I used to do before the accident is refreshing. Lately even though I have been trying to focus on the positive, something and I don't remember what - if it was a conversation or a situation - but I got really down about my "new" post injury life. My mom is having her knee replaced and I think maybe it is the idea of going to the hospital again that is sort of freaking me out. Maybe too it is the fact that I am back in "recovery mode" again after taking my "break".
Some of my doctors have said that I am in denial still about the injury which seems ludicrious since I deal with it a million times a day, I mean it is my brain, but they may be right, but really what are my options??? Occasionally I will ask things to my mom every once in awhile like, "did this really happen?" but it upsets her so we don't go there much. It happened and that's it, I guess I understand acceptance, but I don't accept the limitations. By not accepting the limitations, I have accomplished some surprising things, improved beyond what they thought I would in some ways and not so in others but every brain injury is different so ?
It seems that the denial has helped me to be braver, try things and not be afraid to fail, make some embarassing mistakes too but humor has been helpful.
In some ways, I have learned so much from having a brain injury and even the ADD has been helpful at times. There is a place and room for everyone and when faced with obstacles, i have found that it is an opportunity to do something differently. A few times I have come up with some crazy techniques in photography and people will say "how did you come up with that?" and I just gotta shrug - I guess it is because I have gotten used to not letting something seem like an impossibility. Also, the ADD thing is like thinking outside the box sometimes. Annoyingly, my hearing seems so acute - I can hear a conversation half way across the room - and basically if there is a clock ticking in any building, I need to remove it because I can't concentrate at all. Crowds are a problem but I avoid some of those jobs. I'm a photographer now - I am not trying to be a surgeon or a rocket scientist, so I realize that if I fail I'm not hurting someone - Art is great like that. My "weirdness" actually works to my advantage sometimes. Although sometimes I fail - my definition of failure is different - a bit more in perspective. If I fail at something it is normally a learning experience. Many things are like that. Before I was a perfectionist. I worked in healthcare administration - actually ended up going to my own hospitals which was surreal. I was somewhat shy. I thought a lot about what I said and how I said it -able to replay conversations from the day- maybe it is age but now I realize that my intentions are good so usually when the filter between my brain and mouth disconnect - which is most the time - it isn't mean or ill-willed. I have actually made many friends with my new openness and non-shy attitude. When I do say something wrong - I do apologize immediately and normally it cracks the other person up and opens up a venue for the other person to say whatever about themselves (this seems to contradict the "fat comments" paragraph but I'd never make someone feel badly on purpose like that or say something hurtful without apologizing). In fact, even though I was compassionate before, I am even more compassionate, understanding and open now. As a photographer, my subjects are quickly at ease and I love that - because hopefully in those moments I can capture a moment that brings out and shows their personality some. Also I'm not afraid to smile first and say hello. i'm definately not shy. My grandfather was a professional photographer so the leap to art was not huge - I apprenticed with a photographer for two years as well and that taught me a lot - he reminded me of the "Big Libowsky" - he was eccentric and didn't really care what others thought of him - he was refreshing as all get out in that way. I try to remember his lessons. I do wish my grandfather had lived to see me follow him into photography, as crazy as it seems, I do have conversations with him - he doesn't answer out loud so I'm not super crazy - but when faced with a dilemma I do think "oh Pop what would you do?" Somehow I feel him close to me and sometimes a solution opens up which does include an outloud "thank you Pop."
I guess what I am trying to say in the last paragraph is that life is not what I thought it would be like - but I'm grateful too - and I have learned that when certain doors close, others really do open. It is scarey sometimes feeling like unchartered waters for me - I suffer anxiety over that - but either call it "in denial" or "just plain hopeful" I continue to believe that those new doors will make me smile and remind me of the endless possiblities in the world.
21 February Court?Fabulous! I had this great night photographing and worked so hard and with all my heart and did a pretty good job I think. So i'm psyched and I even decide to pick up my mail. There is a court thingy in there from weight loss program - what the heck??? I had gotten sick on the weight loss program but let me assure you that a year ago I payed a fortune to try it and landed in the hospital with acid reflux and like a hole thingy in my esophagus from all the fruits and juices. Anyway, I paid the fortune and now I am being asked I think to appear in court in another state! You gotta be kidding! I can't imagine what I might have enthusiastically paid or said I was going to pay in the initial contract - but they have my phone number and such! No such calls I don't think. Oh darn....darn! If they called I thought it was because I was supposed to chat with a counselor on how my weight loss was going I think and stop by the center - they never mentioned money - I thought it was part of the weight loss "support system" - they'd just ask how I was doing. It is an offical summons to go to court! No way! I got no other mail from them! Oh my gosh. It is a notice of chapter 7 bancruptcy - does that mean the company went bankrupt -It is listed as the debtor - me the creditor. What the heck does that mean! It is all this gibberish legal term stuff. What a crappy feeling. Talk about being all psyched after a great day to total confusion! i'm supposed to file my claim.
What claim? oh heck - anybody understand any of this? i'll call a lawyer tomorrow. whom I'll have to pay - gosh! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
17 February Coping and livingThe thing is after watching "Martian Child" is that you learn that people are sometimes cruel either intentionally or not, grand or small. And that those hurt will pretend that they aren't hurt by whatever means necessary to survive it. We all want love - a guarantee of love and the stablity that we can rely on when we are "just as we are" or when we are "just who we are" is lovable. Also that people don't have to be just like everyone else to be "okay" OR be whomever people wish we would be - to find acceptance amongst others that is remarkable and makes the world a place we want to be in and participate in despite the sometimes pain and suffering. That people do have miraculous and wonderful hearts each as sensitive and as whole as another which allows us when ready to give love a chance. It is what matters "to see one more clearly and love one more dearly". Without judgements our souls are valid, strong and resilient - with our feelings occuring. Our coping skills, no matter how weird, are our "weight belts" per se (see movie) to help us feel like gravity is going to hold onto us no matter how small we feel.
A great movie with such unexpected messages at just the right time for me. I have been sitting with friends going through difficult times recently and it is amazing to see how we are so prone to beat ourselves up - to wish we were different - to wish someone else were different - loss. With all the therapy I have been through I find myself occasionally giving advice that I have yet to follow myself. Realizing at the same time that while we all have unique situations but that many of the metal processes or habits are similiar. Noticing that and being amazed to see it in others. Most importantly though and maybe it is a coping skill to feel in control is how very often we blame ourselves for things outside of our control. One time someone asked me if I would treat a best friend the way that I treat myself. The answer is definitely not. I think about that often these days and in hearing others talk about themselves negatively.
Learning and change can sometimes feel painful but it is worth it - and we can learn from so much. People focus so much on being happy (every commercial promotes it in some way for instance) that I think myself and others feel very ackward having emotions across the spectrum. When I was sitting with a friend going through a rough time, she began to tear up and she actually said, "I can't cry, I just absolutely can't, I never cry."
No it isn't fun not to feel happy, but I've learned a lot by my emotions. I like to think of them at times as an emotional red flag letting me know that something isn't okay - to find the real root and work and in some ways learn very much from it, a little or maybe nothing at all - but I was amazed that this women actually felt weak for showing emotion. It isn't weak. It really just isn't.
I watch the kids that I know and love their ability to get angry, cry, laugh, argue, laugh again and go play and all in ten minutes flat! One parent said to me, "well, they got that out of their system." I giggled and wonder when did we learn not to do that? i'm not saying we become emotional wrecks or take it out on others, I'm just saying that emotions aren't to be scared of or avoided - most the time they are the best friends within us telling us how things are - we are not in control of our emotions, but we are in control of our reactions to those emotions. We can beat oursevles up over them, feel them and learn from them, or go numb and pretend they don't exist.
When I was first injured, my therapist told me that the injury and life was a bit like a swimming pool. I had once been a great swimmer in life and I needed to relearn in a sense how to swim again. I held onto the edge for quite some time. Then I got bored watching everyone else out there swimming and wanted to rejoin in life. I let go and I did metaphorically sink - but I learned something sitting at the bottom of that pool. It didn't kill me - I sat there for awhile, too long perhaps, but finally looked up at the surface where the sun shown and finally began to swim my way back up- learning something new with every inch. Yes, there are times when I need to cling to that edge to refuel, but i'm not scared to sink anymore - I realize that a person can survive there - it isn't were we want to be but sometimes not trying is much worse than going to the bottom of the pool. in talking to friends we are so scared to sink metaphorically - but I'm here to say that it is okay to do so - that life and living it are worth it. I missed many years being scared and found that "failing" isn't even a real thing - even sinking is part of learning - it isn't failing - someone once asked me what I thought about failure and I couldn't think of really anything that I thought of as a failure. I guess after the injury I think of everything as a learning experience and that is one of the few gifts of my accident. Dare to sink, and if perhaps you should sink, know that you have the strength to go back to the surface with newfound perspective.
A girl who is young told me that each year is like a year of something in her life - this year it is getting married. I thought about what I wanted to be my thing for this year as a goal - I couldn't think of anything like what she was talking about but after further consideration I suppose that this year is my time to learn to love and be bestfriends with one of the hardest people I find to do so with - myself. I have actually been trying to do this for a few months, it felt like a selfish thing for awhile but then I realized that somehow taking care of myself left more room for friends who I love, not less. Being friends with myself is one of the hardest things I've tried in awhile but it has made me aware of the way that I "talk" to myself - the negative things I say like a habit - Slowly as I start to stop myself, I watch some of my "coping skills" and OCD subside a little, leaving me more energy to focus on living rather than fearing. And quite amazingly I find others starting to treat me differently and better as a side bonus which is just unexpected and not what I was looking for but an interesting observation. I even talked to God about being my own friend for awhile because I actually felt maybe it was selfish and I felt guilty - I started thinking about what God would think and came to my own belief that since He was so nice to give me this opportunity at life that I actually think He would expect me to treat myself kindly and to be grateful for myself, to treat my body, mind and spirit right and with respect.
I have lost 15 pounds! No more over-eating! I feel heathier. I set up a tea place in my place and have friends over for tea parties! I fixed my shower so I don't have to take 5 second showers. I actually brush my hair more often - which sounds silly but whatever. I pray and meditate. I listen more without interrupting. When I start judging my body shape, I remind myself that it is okay. I clean as I go - meaning the dishes aren't piling up! Oh and I do laundry more often - I love the way my clothes feel all clean and folded - let alone how great it is to slip into a good nights sleep under freshly washed linens. But mostly it is my spirit and the way I talk to myself that has helped the most. I had no idea how critical I was of everything and the messages I would give myself either through actions or feelings. I have looked for love and accptance so often and so much from the outside that I never considered the possibility of having a love affair with myself! giggle. yes, I little love affair - It is a little scarey for some reason probably because it is a change but i'm more comfortable in my own skin. I wish you all a fabulous love affair with yourselves! Enjoying life and all its mysteries and miracles. Love to you all.
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