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27 March Changing it upWell, I have been quite depressed the past week. It was horrible at one point where I just sort of thought WOW. But then I jounraled - I even took self-portraits of my miserable self and turned them into art work - it was fun in a way. Sort of self-centered and weird but somehow getting into the little project was mind ofcusing on trying new things with photographs and took my mind off of how I was feeling and instead what I was doing. Very important I now realize is how taking the pressure off of feeling better and just doing something quiet and different could change my focus and bring me back a bit.
Yesterday I went skating and that was fun - my balance is way off so it is good therapy as well. I wear the helmet. Even though it looks silly and little kids point at me - ah, I'm doing what I love and grateful. One little kid actually fell on the other side of the rink and did hit her head and I saw her point at my helmet. hmm -maybe I'll start a trend! I saw a kid skateboarding on my way home nine or so without a helmet trying tricks and I thought ah man, while the X-games are inspiring - also one should be inspired to wear the gear that is now available. Buy a helmet! The thing is I get it - when I was little we didn't have helmets - but then again we weren't trying to do double back flips! So well, its time to get the "gear" together. I feel this way about bikes too - I don't know the stats but kids really bit it and normally died so you can't compare just head injuries in the stats of the history of bikes- you also have to consider the death related accidents which aren't specified sometimes as head injuries. So just wear helmets. It is easy really.
I bought a fish! He is great and the color of the mediterean - bluish, aqua, beta fish and I call him/her "Meddy" short for mediterean. I have never seen that sea but the fish reminds me of it so there it is. Focusing on my fish has brought me great joy! I'm surprised that something like this could bring me such pleasure. But it does - I love watching him swim around and there is just something so zen about him. He's existing - enjoying the extra room to swim - the tree I brought him and it makes me happy.
Photographing an interesting assignment starting this afternoon - I have butterflies in my stomache, I always do - but am excited and feel strongly about the subject of the article so I look forward to putting photos to the story. Photographing is interesting - particularily meeting people - I will not know the people that will be there until I meet them and there is pressure or excitement or interest - a combination of all three really to capture moments. It is a time when I appreciate my brain injury to a sense because it makes me brave - maybe just having to got through everything that I have had to to get to this place sort of makes me determined to do things that might have before been even more intimidating. It is still intimidating but maybe it is my mom's tough love sense of "go do it" attitude that makes it possible for me to feel the lump in my throat and still actually function. It can be overwhelming. But I think of my fish - exploring his new waters here and okay - I can do this.
13 March Chanelling Lucille BallMy gosh, i think I am channelling Lucille Ball! Everything I do seems like some sort of comical oops. This week so far I have slipped in the drive-way - holding on to my friends side-veiw mirror as I did a body hit to the side of the car (no I WAS totally sober thank you!) and fell on my knee in slow motion - it had to be extremely comical looking! But the strangest part was that when my skinned knee finally did bleed it looked exactly like the Micholob (spelling) "beer crown" (you've seen the commercials)! Honestly! It was so funny looking at like a message, a sign of sorts, of my old habits of drinking beer! Then the next day I try to tell my European friend how very easy it is to go through the drive-thru at the bank - well there is no teller but instead the suction carrier thingy so I think well how hard can this be? With bravo, I manage to get my stupid hand stuck in the thing as it is vaccumming in the cartridge - it hurt like heck! It wouldn't let go for AWHILE! I was stuck and it was crushing my fingers as I screamed at the teller via camera - I so want a copy of that tape! My fingers are now fine I think but ouch and obviously I was the first to ever be so dumb as there was no protocol as to how to remove my mitt from the metal contraption! Thank goodness for my silly cotton gloves! Half way home I began hysterically laughing as my friend stared at me in disbelief and worry! It was a total Lucille moment and honestly I think when I wasn't howling my face was in that big wide eyed - O mouth pose! Ethel was very quiet - not having any idea what to do until she began screaming too! Poor gal.
Additionally, I am scouting the town for all my missing pieces. In the past week I have lost a camera lens (very costly), my notebook from a different event (which contains notes as well as names of people from the pictures), a singular shoe (how is that possible? no I am not drinking again), my ATM card (found), and heaven knows what else that I haven't realized is missing yet. It all feels like some cruel game of "I spy". Additionally, I must have washed all my socks together seperately and now they are all missing. I am wearing boots with no socks.
My diet is going well - scale says that I have lost over 15 pounds but honestly I used the tape measure the other night and I have the same exact measurements nearly, some I subtracted .5 inches but honestly I think I was just pulling the tape measure tighter-cheating to avoid confusion - have I lost my weight somewhere as well - where has it dropped off me?
I put together my rowing machine - the directions were in German which seemed a cruel joke so I had to follow the pictures - it is only five inches or so from the ground but I am fully prepared to end up with an oar disconnecting and a crash of some sorts. Thank goodness that I am not actually IN the water. I'm supposed to use it only 20 minutes a day - which I thought was wimpy until I only made it three minutes last night. It ain't easy!
I decided not to skate yesterday as my luck has been a bit shaky. With my swollen knee and fingers, I supposed a day off was okay. Have been trying to stick to my "schedule" though. The therapist from the other side of the country instructed me to make up an easy does it routine - not only do I stink at easy does it - but my sleep schedule varies constantly. This morning I was awake at 5:06 AM. So not right. So right now at 8 AM I have completed most of the days tasks except a photo shoot scheduled for tonight at 5 pm which I will be exhausted for, actually I feel as if 5 is a million years away. I'm trying not to nap. My dog I just realized is sleeping on the doggy mat that I brought for her to pee on if she so chooses not to go out in the rain - they are supposed to have some scent - she didn't hit it while peeing - she hates the rain so chose the carpet next to where I just spilled half a jar of bright nailpolish. But I can't believe she is actually now sleeping on the doogy mat. Oh my. Now she will smell like fake pee - at least I hope that is what the manufacturer uses.
Oh this morning though it was soo cool this big flock of birds landed to rest outside in the back - I took pictures -it was so loud and so beautiful to watch them all. Froze my toes, but loved every second of being out there photographing. The morning sunlight is golden and reminds me of honey against the tree branches - the birds look like leaves until you look closer. Thousands of them. They were waiting for eachother and the entire flock and it was interesting. Like I wonder if they find their pals and mates and such as they wait and then decide to move on. It totally inspired me to be awake at least by 7 am in the mornings - such a beautiful time of day!
10 March Befriending Anxiety and letting it goI've decided not to run from my anxiety but to sit with it. I realize that it is a secondary emotion - that it pops up with triggers or just out of habit and it isn't the enemy - rather in some ways it was there initially to make me slow down and quetion things when my brain wasn't working - like fear, it at times makes me wonder - is this safe? Is this a good decision? SO instead of being mad everytime I feel anxiety - I thought about just embracing it the other night AND a strange thing happened - like a frightened lover suddenly confronted with a hard question - it ran away!! But then it came back and sort of talked to me softly. (metaphorically, don't worry I'm not hearing things) - I realize that anxiety and I have been friends for a long time now and it was time to have a heart to heart.
Instead of feeling frantic, I felt my body slow itself down and look at this familiar thing in the face. Typically anxiety appears when I am feeling frightened by something that I feel might harm me. It is a bit like listening to the evening news on a reel in your head all day. Also I realize that wake up each day with a brain injury often feels like walking up to a ledge and not knowing how far down you have to jump - is it a cliff or just a little bump in the path? I'm never sure, so each day I feel like I wake up with so much uncertainity, anticipation and fear about making okay decisions regarding these leaps of faith. For some time now though I have been just sitting with my friend anxiety on the ledge and being stuck. SO I'm trying to approach it differently. It is time. WAY time.
I'm scared but it is time to move forward - I've decided to make some boundaries with my friend fear as you would maybe a friendship that has started to go sour and turn counter-productive. I'm not sure it is enirely healthy to seperate my anxiety as something or someone "other" - but the analogy is helping me to see things more clearly right now. My body is just so familiar with this reaction that I need to stop this habit and it has become a habit. It is a reason to procastinate and overthink everything. So like listening to a friend who is fearful, I have decided to question my friend more. Almost like an overprotective parent and a teen struggling for some independence.
It will take small steps but I'm ready. I haven't been living. I have been avoiding these feelings with over-eating, overspending, over-working and even my latest disaster of trying to cope with drinking - all of these tactics were a like rebellious teen making poor choices not decisions that would lead to a new developed sense of responsibility, confidence and productivity that could be a part of my new life. I have been focused on work because I thought that if I could at least do okay at my work then I would feel okay, but my life suffers greatly because in order to do this with the focus and over focus that I have been, I don't have the energy to do anything else like nuture friendships or feel like I'm living fully. I normally work until I fall on my face and need to sleep for a few days which is okay for a photographer but it is overdoing and then falling apart - a cycle I have been in since the injury really. Work feels like furfilling everyone else's expectations, when I fall apart on the other side, I am a mess. Friends and life calls and I have to decline and rest. Over-eating and other excesses are just for emotional comfort or my attempt to fill the void that is where my life is without work.
I feel scared all the time and mostly when I am tired. I am normally always tired from over-working or over-doing everything. In my old pre-injury life - I could work more and do more - accepting that the scales have changed is a part of me that possibly my friend anxiety has been trying to teach me. I need to be confident and happier with smaller accomplishments and with these small accomplishments be able to do a little bit more in all areas of my life but less. If that makes sense. In a way I have to train my body, heart and brain to re-balance. Like many people in the world, my life has changed. I have fought it all the way. In some ways it has made me overcome limitations, but it is time to reel some things in in order to lead a more balanced and happy life.
Willing to try things differently - taking note when anxiety appears more than normal - and being grateful for the small accomplishments will actually be a big accomplishment for me. Love at times is letting go - and I need to let go of my love and friendship with anxiety and start to become familiar with routines and calm. I've held anxiety so close. It is time to walk to the ledge alone and learn slowly that I can hold on will navigating to the other side. That each morning I can take small steps rather than big leaps into abysses or stand on the side wondering about big leaps when really all I have to do is take it one small inch at a time.
It feels frustrating to go slow but I'm willing to try it.
07 March Doctors? Can they make a decision?Oh for heaven's sakes - I just went to one of my doctors and he disagrees with the other doctor that I have to see as far as my medication. It is crazy - they are sort of asking me and yet telling me not to take one thing with the other - but not talking to each other or making a decision. I am not a doctor obviously so them giving me this sudden choice in my own care is about as confusing to me as a puzzle - I mean I agree completely with patient advocacy but what if I'm not informed enough to make the decision? One says no big deal the other says yes it is - so ahhhhh! 06 March Complete AnxietyI'm not sure I can visit my mom in my old rehabilition hospital (it is three hours away, but it isn't the distance)- this sounds ridiculous but so much fear surrounds the place to me because it was where I was after my brain injury. I think that is why I am so anxious. Last night I literally had dream after weird dream - throwing me into the shakes. And today I feel as if every nerve is on the outside of my body - exposed and raw. It is my day off and I can barely seem to get it together. I search my brain for why I am feeling this way - my mother in the same hospital that I was in - her being in pain - my love for her - this overwhelming worry. It was much easier being in the hospital myself than imagining my mother there. My friends who have lost their parents this year has been on my mind through this entire process as well. I am so scared of losing my mom. The love I feel for her is everything and yet the anxiety associated with something - loss perhaps - I can not seperate from that hospital. I would much rather help her when she is at home which is in another state and stay with her and help her through that transition. I feel like a terrible daughter but...literally I can not think today. I can not seem to get ahold of my nerves. 05 March Habit Changing - Hello HappinessDid you ever notice a moment of bliss and then feel your mind cycle around for the next problem because it is so used to having something going on? WOW - bad habit I noticed in myself!! Actually I was upset yesterday over something ridiculous and I went and watched a local league play ice hockey at night- it was so relaxing to go to the rink and watch - since it wasn't the pro's or super competitive - but they were working hard - there wasn't the fighting or cut throat aspect to the game. It was a bunch of guys (maybe some girls who knows with all that padding) who love the game. I absolutely loved watching people do something that they loved and it was like meditiation in that it took my mind off of everything but what was in the present moment. It was the most relaxing hour in a long time. Also the rink is a bit like "home" to me so maybe that has something to do with it. NO matter where I am living if I go to the rink it is "home" - familiar as a childhood creek or backyard. I didn't really realize this until last night and my sense of calm and "okayness" with everything while I sat there. I didn't even have to be on the ice - in fact not being on the ice kind of reminded me more of the time I spent at the rink all day because that was the time when you weren't working, you were waiting for the ice to be cleared or taking a deep breathe or whatever. I think they might find it weird if I took up residence on one of the benches all day though hmm. darn!
This therapist that I found across the country had mentioned making a new routine - that a new routine would help with this sort of generalized anxiety that I have grown so accustomed to -and I realize that without it, I actually go looking for it. Oh gosh that sounds crazy, but it is true. I've become so used to feeling scared and fear that when I let my guard down I feel so different that it scares me - thus taking me back to my "normal" heightened level of scared. This sounds ridiculous but I am suddenly aware of it. How I wear scared like a veil to protect me. But in fact, my body has physically started to rebel and that is an awakening. The thing is is that I have a warped sense of what is safe and what isn't - almost worse than a child who hasn't learned things yet - it feels that way anyway or that is the closest I can come up with as an example. A lot of times with the brain injury particularily in the beginning I had done something stupid and looking back thought oh my gosh what was I thinking? and am so grateful that something bad didn't happen. It comes down to not having self-confidence in myself and my "new brain" - I don't necessarily trust my decision making skills and since I now know that so much can change in an instant, this is hard. I wonder how you regain this sense of confidence in a different reacting brain that is so different from your old one? I've tried not thinking about it - but that doesn't work. My year of avoidance has taught me much - this stuff is now staring me in the face even bolder - but maybe that is good because even if I wasn't fully aware of it in the past - it was there and keeping me stuck. I know it was. It was just harder to articulate.
I don't really want to go to therapy again but maybe I should for a bit. I've always looked at therapy as like going to the gym for your mind. Everyone where I came from talked about therapy like it was a gym visit. Here in a smaller town people find it amazing that I admit to therapy - jeeps where I used to live if you didn't go people asked each other why the heck not!
Anyway, I am tired of writing about it. But okay too.
I have decided to try to follow my new schedule as a "guideline" and that will help me with staying on track even when I fall off track - my all or nothing thinking is unhealthy. Also, I am starting to make my own schedule a priority which is new to me.
I also started to realize that I need to remember the line "good enough" - I have always been a bit of a perfectionist - it started early in my childhood with sports being my priority - skating - and doing that 40 hours a week - there was always a sense of completing something and then perfecting it then moving on to the next challenge - it worked well at work as well later in my life - but I remember in my last job which was really busy and constantly in ,motion before my injury and my boss saying that I had to learn to at some point with some lower priority things to say, "Good enough" and move forward. I need to remember to repeat this mantra with some things. With so many ideas of perfection in society and striving to multitask and use cellphones and be constantly in motion and in good emotion, I realize that I need to slow the pace down, adapt to my new way of doing things one at a time, not compare myself to other's expections all the time and approach small things with the philosophy of its okay to do just okay sometimes.
I'm glad to be learning these new things - putting them to practice is another thing but one that I am now willing to try. I want to experience happiness because I am so grateful - but even my own criteria for happiness and accomplishment needs to change. This is okay. I will learn to start and this will be my training for a different way of thinking. I look forward to having more perspective. More calming moments. I try to think of what I would tell someone else and realize that I need to give myself more room for learning through mistakes, bouncing back through difficulties and stop overthinking. It is so easy to make a mountain out of a mole hill with so many society messages of perfection. I must learn to simply live without being reactionary to everything instead. Living in a reactionary "mode" has been scarey because not everything is in my control. I need to let go and trust God a bit.
My best to all.
03 March Hellooo Humor Where'd you go?Hello Humor, Where'd you go? Suddenly tonight I read this small gift book (I am the person that is the perfect market for the cash register display pick-up, I get them like a maniac) and it cracked me up. It was a stupid little book but I started laughing. And that was when I noticed, well heck, I haven't heard that sound in awhile! My mom started it tonight. I have never been so happy to hear a slurred, "I love you." in my whole life (I've hung out with my fair share of drinkers) but she is finally on some pain killers after knees replaced and I felt so relieved - she said it so loud that I think the whole floor must have heard. It brought tears to my eyes - but what was funnier was her humor - she's such a trooper. The fact that my mom was giggling on the phone to me made me realize too - wow I haven't laughed in awhile.
It seems when things get rough, and they just do, it is easy to get trapped into sadness and fear, but occasionally there is some comedy going on somewhere that brightens even the darkest days. I've had moments of humor about my injury quite frequently - tough annoying but let's face it - a brain injury does make the world an interesting place. For instance today, I was actually mad at my friend's loud car turn signal! Everytime she turned I thought I'd lose it - I was so irritable, looking back I have to laugh. I was not the least bit irritable that she drove through our small town like a city person with road rage and we made it to the movies in such warp speed that I think the pre-commercials must have run on a loop three times before the previews started. I've never made it to the movies before the lights were dimmed. And the commercials - well, when did they start that?
Also I fell down my outside steps this afternoon. For some reason my rent covers parking lot/drive way plowing but not stairway shovelling. I'm slightly grateful for this because it was a slightly graceful decline - in fact what a great way to just sled down the stairs on my newly padded extra fattened rear-end. I looked at my neighbor and with no sense of humor and actually told her that I meant to do that - I said it in a very self-confident way which makes it even funnier. Who am I kidding!?!
The other day too after wearing a helmet and giving the ice skating rink guy emergency numbers and calling a friend to tell her she was my "emergency skating injury contact" (so official), I finished skating feeling slim already from the exercise, exuberant from the wind on my face as I moved and did laps around the rink, and then with no helmet and my emergency contact number in the trash since I was leaving the rink, fell promptly in the parking lot! The slew of curse words that I whispered definitely rivaled a lobster fisherman in Maine. Yes, I've been there and they are the best cursers that I have ever heard - combinations are the ticket to amazing cursing. But how funny is all my precautions, then confident, hips shaking as I am leaving and whamo! honestly every time I try to act cool, I fall - it is true that I should definitely have been given the role of Bridget Jones in her movies. I am her in real life.
Another funny for the week was my real serious attempt at meditation. I figured out how to do it and was feeling so serene but when I opened my eyes I realized my dog had lapsed into full fledged anxiety over my new calming state. Apparently this is new to her after living with me for 8 years. Poor thing she never knows what is my next phase. For instance today I tried crystal therapy on my chakras - I don't know much about this and my dog ran off with my heart chakra stone in her mouth and we ran around my place playing tag as I furiously tried to reclaim my "stone" yelling, "hey, hey, that is my heart chakra! give it baaaacccckkk~~~!!!" Poor dog she used to eat Quarter Pounders with Cheese with me and now is trying to understand nutrisystem diet. She isn't pleased with all this stuff.
What else? Oh I went to a "black tie" affair in my brown cordouroys - I'm sure that's not how you spell that but you know the pants that swish with the ridges - yep those. It was like going to the Oscars in jeans. People were so kind to comment on my coat which I decided to wear through dinner. :) I honestly wish that someone might have mentioned the attire code for the evening. I must have missed that. But on the other hand saved some money! and definately did not do "trendy"! and no one was wearing my outfit! One woman in a fairly sheer dress actually did tell me she admired a woman that could go against the norm. That was interesting. and quite the stretch for a compliment so I can't begin to thank her enough. Although thinking back what if she was referring to herself? Well, I hadn't thought of that - honestly I need to reel in my self-importance.
Well, that's all I can think of...oh wait, yep one more, since I don't drink anymore, I miss seeing the friends that I met at the bar, so a few weeks ago I went in to have soda - well into the second diet pepsi, the guy I was talking to actually asked me if I was alright to get home. With raised eye-brows I almost lied and said whew yeah the rum in this drink is really "wow". But I just started to laugh and told him I was fine. Concerned citizens beware, I act the same apparently drunk or sober, which means yep, this is my personality. :) Cool. I joked about it with friends and did the "superstar lunge" have you guys seen that movie "Superstar" ?- if you haven't it is odd but I got a kick out of it. We do the "superstar lunge" at the office sometimes when everyone gets too tired or cranky - it always makes us crack up, no matter what. You can be having the worse day and can't help but laugh at it. Try it - I dare ya!
Well, it is morning and I have yet to fall asleep. I sleep for a few hours and then wide awake. I could do some work but worry about that. One time I added an extra zero to my rent check because I did it at three in the morning. It was an eye-opening warning not to attempt too many things in the wee hours on no sleep. Also I wrote a caption one time and married two people who were not married in a photograph for a publication. That didn't go over so well. So ...playstation anyone?
my best and love to you all
02 March anxiety depression relief grateful is it possible to feel all?Oh what a mess, a mess I am today. So many different emotions, so many, is possible to feel them all at once?
My mom is doing really well - she has had a tough haul - low blood pressure caused her to be unable to take pain medication after her knees were replaced - so now after a few days they are finally able to give her medication. It is unimaginable surgery when I think of it clinically, I get the chills, thinking of her in so much pain makes me want to cry and now that she is okay, I cry with grateful relief. I am so very grateful that she is okay. Two of my best friends lost a parent or both parents this last year. I had this dreadful feeling of her going into surgery - so frightened. I went to a mass for my friend's father the other day - it was in her intention, the mass and for her father given to her in a card by a friend. It is hard for me to seperate her grief from my own and as well my friend sitting on the other side of me who had lost both of her parents. Since the injury, I feel so much. I feel so much on the inside and so much for my friends that it is hard to seperate them from myself - an odd thing really. An odd and not comforting thing maybe for them because it is hard not to feel their pain and actually be helpful to them instead of being a wreck. I want to be supportive but feel so overwhelmed by emotions.
I actually called a therapist referred to me by a friend who I recently found out suffers/ed from anxiety. It was kind of him to give me her name and share his story of overcoming some difficult things. I was so proud of him and he smiled - knowing and understanding anxiety - it was easy to compliment him on things, facing his fear, when others tell him it is no big deal - I told him how brave he was to face his fears and it was this honest connection of celebration over knowing what a big deal it is to do something so scarey that one can feel anxiety over, face it square on and do it boldly. He said I was the first person to really understand what a big deal it was and to congratulate him on something he was so proud of that few understood as a really big victory for him.
The therapist has unfortunately retired, happy for her, but sad because she has relocated to the other side of the country to be with family, again happy for her, bummed for me. She talked to me for almost an hour. I asked if I could pay her but she refused. She understood everything I was going through - brain injury, insecurities, Aquired ADD, anxiety, identity challenges, loss, coping and even trying to drink and eat my way to comfort, other's expectations, my past personality before the injury and the changes that I have had to face, the extreme mood and lifestyle swings, fatigue, gratefulness to the point of anxiety, my desire ot feel unstuck from this cycle - all of it. She was amazing! The fact that she understood made me feel so much better. I felt like I was on a ship and lost. Somehow she let me know that this is a common course for all with what I have been through and am going through. That in a sense it was normal. I sigh with relief just thinking about our conversation. She gave me some very helpful tips - particularily about being more realistic in my goals and exercising only half an hour a day instead of bouncing from overdoing to not doing. Also to develop a steady, even, routine that I can handle rather than overcompensating for my limitations and then falling on my face - she also said that I could retrain my body not to react constantly with generalized anxiety by changing the routine in which I have been living. Unfortunately she was stuck on who to send me to locally as very few in this area have her backround of working with brain injury and ADD - she said that basically I would have to sort of educate my therapist as I went along - to try several therapists and find a fit. She gave me a place to start. I had been working with a therapist two years ago but we stopped progressing sort of and she understood why - he was focused on my injury and I wanted and was ready to hear more about what I could do in the present and future more than focusing on what I had lost - after two years of discussing loss with him - each therapy session was like re-living the injury and trauma - it was exhausting and expensive and turned non-productive and at times counter-productive. I barely ever left without crying and feeling badly for the rest of the day.
Last night was my final emotion straw for the week - I went to a clothing sale thingy sponsored at a friend of a friend's house. The mirrors were angled because they weren't attached to the wall but even still the other people barely looked different - on the other hand, I was amazed at my body. It is huge. I really had known that I had packed on the pounds this year but I have started really losing weight recently on new diet and thought I was looking much better - I was shocked and while it is superficial compared to my gratefulness about so many things this week and the larger scheme of life - my remaining self-esteem went down the tiolet. Who was that women in the mirror? I barely recognized her. It brought back feelings of the injury and then also such regret and just so much regret over how I had handled it this past year full of mistakes. I realize though that I learned so much this past year though. I tried a new way and it was the wrong way but I tried it. I tried to date - it was the wrong guy - but I tried it. He was so critical the guy that I dated and even though some may have not felt that way, I did because of where I was in my life. It was difficult for me to hear personal criticism from someone when I felt they had not known or could not understand just how far I have actually travelled and improved since being injured. The progress, the work, the achievements, the disappointments and trails in reaching those small achievements. My self-esteem was too fragile for even the slightest comments when I let someone into my private life. He could not understand for instance that some little things did not bother me - or understand that I found a friend in someone like the convenience store worker whom I saw every day. Grant it I was probably also a wreck at certain times being that two beers made me wasted. I am humbled and embarassed by that part. I felt securtity though in being a couple for the first time in a long while though. In retrospect, I feel stupid and frightened for being vulnerable to the wrong guy. But I did learn from him that I needed to work on myself before dating - that I was too sensitive, that right now, I am sensitive. Many of my quirks are okay with me - for instance, I care for others even when I barely know them, I am not afraid to talk to people, I smile at others first. So while I suffered a large sense of rejection from his comments that were constant and critical, I did hear them and learned from some of them. It was interesting to learn what I was willing to change and what I held fast to. What I valued and what I have learned from almost losing my life. Valuing some of my changes in perspective. But for the most part it was a disaster and hit me hard. And in another part it motivates me to move forward in a much more positive direction. I definitely will not date for awhile, I do want to learn more about being friends with a guy, going to all girls catholic school did not teach me much about this. And I think that men do think differently and I have to learn about that.
Well, in many senses I have shared too much here possibly but if it helps someone else, so be it. I hope it does. Writing is like therapy for me - I learn as I write -
I learn through your perspectives too and love reading your blogs. My best to you all. |
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