| Patricia 的个人资料Looking up日志列表网络 |  工具  帮助 |
|
5月27日 remindersThere is a young men who died recently in my area from a car accident. I didn't know him but so many people that I know do. I didn't have my accident in this town but the sense of it brings back so many reminders. I don't know why this particular accident does. Maybe it is watching the people around me so sad that reminds me of my accident. Or maybe it is that he was younger than me when I had mine but around the same age. For some reason it has made a large impact on me that I don't quite understand my feelings about. Maybe it brings up the thought that I always wish people had told eachother how they felt when they were living - rather than miss that opportunity and end up saying what a good person someone is at a funeral. I don't mean any disrespect by this - I just mean that so often I hope that the person could have been there for the funeral - maybe they do get to hear - I'd like to think that. Regardless it reminds me to say things to the people in my life - sometimes it may be ackward. It does surprise some and with that surprise I am amazed that and reminded that so often we forget to say thank you and I love you. 5月11日 oye a bad day in the midst of goodToday I feel wiped out and sick. It is hard when in a good mind frame not to let it get to me. So it is a decision to see this as one day. Okay, that's progress. 5月9日 Small steps to perserveranceIt seems as though in getting to know myself, I am bypassing some of the regular cycles of mood swings and frustrations. Some of the things I have been struggling with have actually helped me be creative and confident that there are many ways to accomplish a task. In accepting myself as a person, not as a person with any labels, I am better able to adjust without negativity seeping in and rearing its head. When I do poorly, I am learning to accept that it is either something that I can work to get better at or saying, "Nope, I don't really like that! My thing is really (whatever)!" Trying to be good at everything isn't realistic for anyone! It isn't even healthy, I don't think. It isn't that I accept my injury. I don't and never will. But darn if I won't work through or around things and try and try. The thing is is that there has been a change in my personality towards the definition of "failure". I don't believe in failure anymore. Nothing is a failing thing because even if something doesn't work out there was still a positive lesson to be learned - AND that is great! Maybe it leads to a path that is more true to what one should be doing. I have a friend that is interviewing. Basically with photography, I am interviewed all the time - every new client is like having an interview. The way I see it is that if I don't get the job, then it just wasn't a good fit. It gives me the time to find a better fit. OR it gives me the determination to become better at a certain thing so that I can go back and get that job with a new skill set or new ideas. When someone says No, it doesn't seem like a bad thing really. It is rather a guideline for me. IT isn't personal and well if it is, then that's okay too. The thing is is that I don't let it make me fall apart anymore. I actually learn from the experience - check with my insides about my goals and continue on - I'm not fearful to hear the word, no. It is okay.
Basically this shift has allowed me to feel more confident - which may sound completely backwards but it has happened. Since my emotions aren't all tied up in negativity, I have more energy and, I don't know, more open eyes, at the things that go well. It is so easy to think that things are going wrong sometimes and so easy to not see what is going right. Same way with friends. That friend that never calls back seems to take up mental space, while the friends who are calling don't get attention since the focus is on the other one. Another friend said in a seminar that she had told one of her friends to count all the ugly outfits that she saw people wearing on a walk through the mall. So the girl counted. Then when they got home my friend asked her, "Ok, how many pretty outfits did you see?" The girls jaw dropped. She had noticed none of them. It is a funny lesson. I think sometimes people don't even realize that they are caught up in seeing the negatives, potential problems and obstacles, I know that I do the same very much.
Perserverance - to persist, maintain effort - is the definition given by the dictionary. I am learning that to bang one's head against the same wall is not perserverance, but rather to be creative and maintain efforts in new directions, despite obstacles, and to live one's best life whatever form that may take. The beauty is is that in that effort new roads open up and widen, windows fly open, strengths can be noted, weaknesses can be observed and worked around rather than creating a depression to quit, and a sense of new directions seem to come to mind. It creates avenues for new dreams. Additionally, the focus becomes not on limitations but on potential strengths and that potential is often where the solution is. I am so thankful that I never had clear cut answers to the limitations placed on me by my injury - there is little known about the brain. This gave me the opportunity not to listen to convention and bypass textbook explanations.
There are things that I know I have lost for good. They are obvious and after all this time, I know them. They are difficult to think about and get me down when I do. I feel them weigh down on me sometimes in sadness. And there is a choice during those times. I have come to realize this choice. I can either sink in the woes of lost things or swim with the things I still have. It truly is a choice. There is little acceptance on my part of the things that I have lost. I feel truly angry about them, disappointed, frustrated and sad. I think that is okay. I think it would be weird for me to accept them actually. The thing I do have which is a little new though - is faith and trust in the universe. I can look at the perspective that the injury has brought me. I have become stronger than I once was in spirit. I love easily and dearly. I have become younger with the curious eyes of a child, while older with new ways. I appreciate the little things. My personality changed and that freaked some people out a lot - I can't reallly explain the change nor do I have much insigfht on it. I know I say what I think almost immediately without editting and while this is sometiems completely embarassing - it has made many relaxed in my presence surprisingly. I used to be a little shy and thoughtful about whatever came out of my mouth. I have learned to say immediately, "Oh that came out wrong!!" and people crack up! then they lighten up and the conversations are really interesting. I've become a better person understanding some priorities but am still learning them. I have a desire for new perspectives that is much broader than before. I have a struggling self-questioning of purpose that while sad sometimes is actually something that I give more importance to than ever before - and I think that is a good thing and in the long run, I will be happier with my efforts in areas I never once considered that are closer and dearer to my heart. I am learning my heart.
So dream on and dream big and never stop noticing the beautiful paths that open up!!! Much love!
5月4日 TransformationsSuddenly I find myself changing. The transformation startles me in a good way. I feel like I am becoming. Like a rebirth, I emerge from a place within myself that is more true to who I am and who I want to be. The injury has had so many rocky roads, but at the same time I learn valuable lessons everyday. I get frustrated, feel anxiety and am sometimes overwhelmed. Recently though I realize the power of choices. Instead of fearing changes, I am learning to celebrate the constant seasons of life. The Springtime seems a perfect time to rejuvinate. I feel hopeful. I feel like I am getting to know myself better, accepting disappointments but not letting them deter me from my dreams. Discovering new ways to do things and feel the satisfaction of accomplishing each small step.
I have never been good at taking small steps - constantly wanting to leap, I have often leapt since the accident against barriers only to be discouraged. By relishing the opportunity to change - to take things one step at a time - I have found new joy in living the moments. The small accomplishments that I have started to appreciate makes my life seem happy and a sense of peace and contentment spreads through me blissfully. I am so grateful. I think Doctors tried to teach me this but I felt that they were underestimating me - at the time this was essential to my recovery - it pushed me beyond limitations. Now at this time, it is the time to take a look at the things that I can do to feel joyous. Taking things slower actually allows me to get more done and feel good about them. It is as if I am awake to my life.
I'm not sure if it is age or just learning or both, but recently, I am learning a bit more about matching my insides with my outsides, so to speak. Finally, I say "no" to certain things and can create healthier boundaries with others. Taking a step away from a self-destructive friend whom I had tried for years to help was difficult, necessary and resulted in a situation that I think is healthier actually for both of us. This was a lesson - hard earned but good. Although sometimes I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I am developing a level of respect for myself that I have never possessed. I lacked self-respect and self-worth and after the accident it became even worse - but maybe it became worse so that I could realize and recognize it and have the desire to change.
To lack self-esteem and self-respect seems insulting to those that have been so kind to me all my life and to God too. I realized that it was not only self-destructive but also ungrateful to think so little about the way I treat myself. Following the injury and until recently, I put everything before myself. My work was morer important than say even taking a shower. Unhealthy eating, apartment a mess and clothes needing laundry took a backseat - way backseat to non-existant. In the past several days, I have taken some time to do laundry, clean and go to the local market for fresh foods, even including some flowers for a garden. I stood in my place with all the dishes washed and the smell of dinner cooking and suddenly realized that my place was feeling like a "home". I have been looking for "home"!!
Showering last night before bedtime took me back to the most comfortable time - actually I can't even remember that time - but I felt like a well-cared for child - no, make that grown up!! I had made choices to improve my life and step by slow step set about making them a priority as work was slow this week. I thought that taking care of myself was one thing that I could get by without because I have limited energy - but the thing is ..suddenly I have a bit more energy! I struggle with balance when I am working and it will be hard to maintain this when things get busier but you know, for the first time, I feel worth taking care of myself and have set up some systems to make it easier.
I was overcompensating - I realize. Wanting so much to be the person who I used to be, I forgot to be the person that I am. And suddenly, I feel okay being the person that I am. I feel grateful for so many small things that make up a larger whole. Noticing the little things makes me smile.
When I was going through some changes last month - I was freaked. I had a check-up and told the doctor. He told me to keep my apartment clean. Huh? Did he hear me wrong? Well, what I realized is that change is hard for people with brain injuries and that is the way it is (it is hard for everyone, but with a brain injury it can seem to take systems and turn them completely upside down - for instance in remembering something, I normally am triggered by the task prior - a change causes confusion and this utter lack of security. Knowing that I am not anxious over little things but rather finding the "root" of my anxiety, such as change - is helpful for me. I have had all these anxieties creeping up everywhere for so long - getting freaked out - and then the anxiety would spiral, then depression, then anger, then remorse, then sadness. By stopping the cycle by knowing that something is hard, like change, I realize that the things daily that were stressing me out were sort of just "distractions" from the real cause of the anxiety. Facing the change, developing a place where I feel good, such as my "home", has given me a sense of foundation during changes. I feel stronger and more in-tune. I smile as I note the beauty of some changes and that they perhaps teach me new ways.
Again, wanting to be the person I was, I forgot to be the person I am. I embrace who I am finally. It makes me cry to write that. It is such a relief.
|
|
|
