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06 August looking up againIt's been forever since I have been here. I was surprised and happy that my page was still here - I thought maybe I was deleted!
Wasn't writing much because I was going through something that didn't really seem like anything - nothing was new, I was drinking again and caught up in the wave of the depression that all that brings on. It seemed fun in the beginning to be amongst people but there are other ways to be around people and spend time. Basically I was lost and the more I tried to seemingly find my way at the bottom of a bottle - the more it eluded me - which in hindsight seems fair.
I've begun taking care of things again - living - my room actually looks like someoone lives there now. It feels good. I sit on the patio where there is a new table and I sat here yesterday talking to a friend that is deeply depressed. My advice surprised me. In response to his questions, I found myself talking about things that I had stopped doing -it was a wake up call to get my own stuff going more. I sit here and hear the rustling of all the leaves in the sunny breeze- leaves of a million shades of green - every leaf different -every branch with its own shape and destiny. I think of my friend and how he has become so familiar with the nature, as have I at times, and feel gratitude that his blindness to the beauty has helped me to "re-see" it. That talk with him inspired me to realize the importance of self-love, care, responsibility, loving others, beauty and dreams -small and bold. The way that sometimes in an effort to pick someone else up - it reminds us of the magic of life - all of it- and to feel inspired by everything. That depression happens and that sometimes it breaks us in ways so that we can dig deep and thoughtfully and heal stronger in those places. Also the importance of questioning either learned or self-taught stories that haunt us and that can become habitually stories in our head until they make us stuck and filled with fear. I made up an excuse the other day - a friend was going to a farm and I said I didn't want to go because it reminds me of the loss of my old self and before the brain injury. She sort of just simply said, "I wonder sometimes how much we believe our own stories." Hmm. That got me thinking. When it comes to fear, I am on automatic pilot - I just feel fear without even really questioning it anymore.Since her words I catch myself thinking in an anxious moment and wondering when I started thinking that thought. So many self-doubts, so many what-if's, so many horrifically critical self-talk conversations - on top of it all when did I get so freakin' serious??? I laughed the other day and am a huge fan of laughter, but the other day I noticed how very long it had been since I laughed genuinely. So often these days, the laugh has come from some anxious, nervous place. It was so easy to just let it rip and laugh out loud! So fabulous!!! So easy really.
A butterfly flew by a bit ago - it makes me smile. I hope anyone that reads this smiles today, laughs and remembers, as I am relearning to actually "see" all the beauty around us. It is magnificent! Much love. |
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