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9月26日 Depression StrikesI feel depression as it comes over me today. I don't know what it is - I can feel things off kilter. The way that it feels like a million emotions suddenly surface and are muddled into a confusing ball that feels difficult to separate. I know that I have so much to be grateful for - I always feel very grateful so I am surprised by depression. It just comes along a bit like a wave and I know that it will pass but it is hard to feel okay in the midst of it. It feels confusing. Like staring at a math problem that I can't figure out. I try to tell myself to just breathe, let it roll and that helps some. But it is hard not to feel a bit anxious when this feeling comes on. An anxiousness that I really can't find the root of - an internal little red flag sticking up but not knowing what the warning is. I know that I will be fine. I have felt this way many times and sometimes all it takes is something small and I realize suddenly that these emotions have worked themselves out. Having the flu probably isn't helping - sometimes when sick it feels like the world is moving too fast or something and I can't keep up, feel guilty and beat myself up. I am so behind in so many things and the things keep coming. I am learning to say no to certain commitments/requests/assignments but am quite surprised by the reactions of others - it isn't too kind. I guess I don't know why that surprises me. I suppose I just figured that everyone has to know the feeling of not being able to say yes all the time. I'm hurt sometimes overly by the way people treat eachother and probably much too sensitive. I like being sensitive though. Isn't there a song..."i'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way". It's true isn't it a bit? I guess internalizing things isn't the best though. Gosh, such a balancing act. 9月20日 New InspirationIn some ways, I'm learning that you have to let go in order to hang on. I remember one time during a horseback riding training session for nationals, I kept messing up. I was frantic and frustrated. My coach said simply, "You are trying too hard." What??? How is that possible? How the heck can you want something to go well and try too hard to make it work? I was so pissed at the coach. I'd like to say that I got her message then but honestly I think it took ten years to actually sink in. Oops, better late than never I suppose.
I got a cold and was feeling like crap these past couple of weeks. I was working constantly and hating my camera. I would go on assignment, come home as quickly as possible and put the camera down for as long as possible. I wasn't happy with anything I was producing. Honestly, I wanted to flee - to leave - go maybe visit my parents, step out of my life so to speak for a break and I thought the only way to do this was a change in environment and the different way I could live there for a bit. But since I was sick, I didn't want to get my parents sick so I didn't go. I learned an important lesson hanging in there and letting go all at the same time.
Somewhere during August I put the camera down and didn't pick it up again. I said no to assignments and crunched my bills to make my money last a bit longer. I never say no to assigments but I wasn't feeling that well physically and I hadn't taken a break in forever. Last week, I saw a cool little cheap camera that was sort of a piece of crap but handy, I didn't really feel like taking pictures, but it fit in my purse. I traded my cable expense to make up the difference and started goofing around sometimes when I saw something "ordinary" - I wasn't trying to do anything good - I just shot -even just from the window of the car sometimes. AND BANG THERE IT WAS - MY PASSION.
I didn't start photography to become "good" at it - I did it because I loved it. And I forgot that.
So last night I'm taking my pictures off of my little camera and staring at the images and seeing things that I like. I let go and something began to flow again. Which is so ironic because I have been trying SO hard for SO long!
I think sometimes I mix up suffering with trying. Suffering with working. Like working out, it isn't good enough until I push it til I can't go another round. But this isn't an answer. Maybe I'm gaining a little bit of faith in trusting that I can loosen my grip.
I remember one time skiing with a close friend - at the top he wanted to take the hardest trail, this to him was "pushing it" - taking it to the max. We did this before and while yipee I made it to the bottom without completely embarassing myself, it really didn't feel like "skiing" - to me, I love to take any trail that lets me carve a great turn and feel the way my skis and my body and everything flows into and down the mountain. The way the wind feels when you can move and let the skis roll. As oppossed to feeling like I was fighting with the mountain on the other trail, this trail let me love the mountain, find my rythmn, a bit like the way a great song just sort of pours into your heart.
Unfortunately my friend didn't think this was as "cool" - I get it - I like a challenge too - I guess in life we just pick and chose what kind of challenges we want to do and at different times - in fact, the trail I liked had more of a pitch and his more moguls - so one was "marked" harder but really they were just different. But I wonder sometimes if in life in general we can get addicted to always picking the seemingly hardest route because for some reason we feel it is more of an accomplishment. But I wonder if the maybe it isn't the route, but how we travel the path that counts. Maybe by getting the rythmn on certain parts, the learning enables us to then take another path, perhaps a more difficult one or just a different one, with more ease, passion and joy.
9月19日 "Fighting Fair"We all have disagreements once in awhile. I dislike confrontation. I tend to avoid it and mostly I can see the other person's point of view as their point of view and respect that. There are moments though when it simply seems that an argument happens and I find it tricky. I'm not great at following the cyclical flow of an argument - but for the most part I do my best. Hang in there - try to think about what the person is saying and how I feel about it, and how to respond. I'll admit when wrong or when I say something that comes out sounding different than I intended. Many times I realize it is best for me to think things over for a bit. With my friends that are women, these conversations work out. They are uncomfortable but when a misunderstanding arises with someone I care about, I find the conversation worth having because I want to understand. With men, it seems like an entirely different beast. It circles and circles and I feel myself go nearly cross-eyed. I've noticed too that if said man knows about my brain injury - he will throw it into the mix and bring it up during the argument. It is undermining and cruel. I have thought a lot about if it is justified...am I acting irrational? Did I say something that didn't make sense? Is this really not a big deal? Am I being over-emotional? Did I not hear correctly? For years now this tactic has worked well for the men - I back down, question my sanity, feel embarassed and admit that they must be right about an array of subjects. BUT, I just had a recent conversation/argument with a man and he threw in the brain injury and I saw it for exactly what it was in that moment. It was just plain mean, undermining and wrong. I wouldn't do it to another and it shouldn't be done to me. As I work on self-respect, I have started noticing some little things in my life that I have the power to change. It is easy to believe every bad thing about myself and hard to believe any compliment. I realize that I say things to myself or treat myself not as my own friend and that well that isn't the way that I want to be anymore. It is self-distructive and unproductive. I can work on being a better person without beating myself up and allowing self-hatred at times to hinder progress. So when in this recent event someone pulled the brain injury card on me during an argument that had nothing to do with me or my brain, I was amazed at my reaction. For the first time instead of internalizing the comment, I just watched, I saw it floating out there, I thought about how my respect for the other person changed. It hurt, but I also saw that it was meant to hurt and to undermine me. I saw his intentions to do so. It was sort of amazing. Instead of immediately thinking, "Yes, I'm stupid, I have a brain injury, you must be right about this other subject," - I saw the injustice of losing my own voice. I walked away. In some mind-play I can see myself suddenly going defensive and arguing further like a bat out of hell crazy. When people aren't fair it makes me feel a bit, well, questioning of my sanity! But this time, I didn't - it WAS out of line. It was pretty amazing actually. This is not to say that I will not be sensitive and reflective when having confrontations - but you know, if it gets unfair, I have to question if I want to continue the conversation at that moment, have it another time, ask for clarification, or quite simply realize that I don't need to engage in the discussion. Also, if someone is unfair like that, I have to wonder if the person may just have their own things to work through and with love, let go or if they are willing to be fair continue the talk at another time. This is big progress, I think. But I still can't help but shake my head at the comment - feel awe and wonder - and quite honestly feel a bit sorry - not sorry for something I did or said, or sorry for myself, but actually this time - sorry for him. 9月7日 Practicing "just being"Oh, how I must admit that I finally found the "Out of Africa" CD movie soundtrack. I never watched the movie in completion but I had this same music as a little girl on vinyl record and would fall asleep to it each night. My heart moving with the music as I imagined figure skating to it until I would drift off to sleep.
I have been trying to be still and "just be" as I mentioned that I read about in the last entry. It is amazing to watch all the voices of self-critism come into my thoughts. To push them away even if I just try to tell myself that I will think of them "later" - this later time philosophy helps with some of the fear of changing thought patterns that have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It is funny how fear creeps up when one is feeling okay. As if it is superstitions pleading me not to allow change with faith.
It is working though for now. I hold on. I breathe. The odd thing is the purpose of doing this is not really to change but to just get back to allowing yourself to be yourself. How many different "identies" sort of pop-up! "The worrier" "the critic" "the people pleaser" "trying to be right" etc. Gosh does the list honestly go on and on!
I began reading the "Adventures of Tom Sawyer" as it was the only thing in my bookshelf that took a break from self-help or "drama" novels of various sorts. I can't believe they expected me to understand Tom Sawyer -as a really young kid! It was sometime in grade school early on before 4th grade somewhere - were they seriously trying to make me cry! It is about a young kid but written in such a manner that I must admit it is harder than the many novels that I read each day that are designated for adults. BUT the content is joyously wonderful reminding me of children and their outlook and thinking.
Stopping drinking has been hard in some ways but I am trying not to think of it as hard. I get to the afternoon and feel a bit lost with my schedule and though i know the options of taking a walk or what have you, I think about the bar and the people and well, miss it and them. I like hanging out with the people - but to be honest, something always seems amiss when I leave - like it wasn't what I had hoped as far as something or conversation or something. I am not looking for a man by the way - I don't mean it that way. I guess it is that desire to feel connected to friends and people - and at a bar I can leave as opposed to parties and whatnot more easily.
I am not really a lonely person. I have spent much time alone with work and in life and do enjoy many aspects of the flexibility. But I do love to listen and see people. Bars are one place too where no one expects me to photograph - which is a relief.
it is odd that my passion - photography can also be something I wish to get away from at times. It seems never ending. When other people are working they are calling and setting up assigments and then many of my assignments are on the weekends - so really there is no day "off" - I just realized this! Ha! took me awhile. I guess I felt guilty, because I do love it so, to admit that I also love to put that camera down! For a long time every time I put it down I would see something and run and grab it - but for the past several months - gosh, I just want to look at something in the moment not behind the lense. I don't feel the same urge to "capture" it right now. I am sort of appreciating the flow of things that happen before and after that moment - what brings on that moment. Video/film? No! Gosh one time they filmed a scene behind the hospital I was working in and it took them two months to film a scene of Robert Redford getting out of his car - a two minute segment. They dragged this hug prop with a crane that must have cost big bucks and I was sitting with all these people without medical insurance - my head swirling at what the money from that simple staged visual could do to improve the situations at the hosptial. Like Superman made 300 million dollars or something strange too and we balk at giving seven bucks to something that can actually really help people. Amazing. But that is an important tangent. I love movies really. But honestly with this thought process and also the slow moving pace that it takes to shoot a scene is overwhelming.
Back to center - breathe. Anxiety rising. Am learning about how not just to react but to be aware. Through this awareness will come change, versus the overwhelming desire to scream! Which honestly sitting here in my own office would be sort of useless really.
To be fair the movie stars do raise such awareness of life circumstances through film and also through charity work. There are no black and whate answers to many things. Perhaps. Perhaps it is looking at everything in awareness that one can find a way to make a process work.
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