It has been a rather quick yet informative summer. I meant to visit home more but failed. I found myself a decade out from my injury and ANGRY. I was angry for many reasons - but it is hard to put my finger on specifics. I felt that I would be “better” by now - finding hopefully that tasks, impulsivity, constant chatter, and many other effects of the brain injury to be a non-issue by now but they are not. Doctors warned me but I refused to believe them and I am glad that I did not in many ways because I have exceeded some of their expectations but it would have helped me be more loving to myself and less self-destructive if I had listened a little. I try to be very realistic about what is what - is this a brain injury symptom or just simple mistakes, for instance. Often it is the frequency that is daunting - for instance - normal to lose the keys but what about the x10 other things I can’t find? Or comprehend in a day. Also I have people who knew me before my injury “watching and waiting" for the “old” me to appear - due to frontal lobe damages, my personality changed. I talk more without thinking, say inappropriate things sometimes without first gauging the situation, I’m just different in so many ways that I can’t really even name them all, let alone understand them.

Recently though I picked up the comedy series DVD, Samatha Who? The beauty of this show is a bit about embracing the new you. Maybe before I wasn’t as sensitive. My sensitivity level now feels raw and like I feel everything -which can cause easy mood swings and confusion. In a lot of ways, I feel like a 12 year old. If someone is kind and then change, I don’t understand it; if someone says something but does something else, I am utterly confused; if someone lies to me, I tend to believe them; and on and on. Also I am way too sensitive to criticism, I will literally be swayed in a large way by people’s mean comments and hurt easily. It’s exhausting for me and for the people around me. But some of it I like - I like being sensitive - in many ways, I’ve learned a lot about compassion, the simplicity of love, noticing things with fresh eyes. Also, I have wonderful new friends who are bold and blunt and say what they are thinking - it is interesting the different types of people you attract as you change. I love the honesty and spontaneity of thoughts that they have. It’s never a guessing game - I never have to read between the lines - it is a relief to me.

I don’t know how to blog about this summer there were so many lessons learned. I definitely can not drink even one beer - nighttime I am much more emotional and tend to be easily upset - anger is just sadness turned inward and outward in various forms, it is often not productive unless used to propel into the next lesson when it becomes unbearable - that even though I want to believe in the very best in people that I can do that but I also must allow myself to set healthy boundaries, I’ve allowed myself to be a doormat too often, and while I always figure that if someone needs to use another person that is their deal, I realized I was stuck in a pattern of continual hurt - setting healthy boundaries and sharing my feelings on doing so was one of the best new things I’ve done and I was able to do it last night with a challenging friend. It didn’t have to be an attack on my side, just a basic conversation of what I think is fair. I haven’t had a productive conversation like that since the injury - normally I get flustered and upset and utterly confused when addressing an uncomfortable or potentially confrontational subject. Then that is used against me and I feel crazy.

Feeling misunderstood is tough. Sometimes people try to help by saying “oh but I lose things all the time too!” The hard thing is that I am not consistent on what is helpful - some days I hear someone say this and I feel comforted - other days I feel more alone and like nobody gets it - other days I want to hide it and don’t want people to understand. I don’t want people to see my flaws and problems with brain injury but at the same time I need their understanding or else I feel so isolated and alone and a bit nuts. I did an assignment the other month about returning soldiers - I continually learn from the experience. So many varying opinions. So many different reactions and injuries. Unfortunately, I do think I have met people that do have the “invisible injury of brain injury” - if you get blasted and thrown 20 feet from an IED, it is not unreasonable that your brain got bumped around a bit. So I watch and listen and find an interesting role of understanding some things that they are talking about and feel compassion immensely.

Also most importantly is the development of a more spiritual side. I can’t say it is of any denomination though I plan on attending various services - but I feel a trust in God and His presence more than I ever have and it has been a saving grace, allowing me to find room in myself for forgiveness and love. Letting go of various reactions to my injury by people has been helpful. Up to this date, I have felt unaccepted by my old friends and people in my life as I have gone through this - they look at me funny and it is hard not to feel all of my insecurities rise - even if perhaps they are just looking at me funny because I have spinach stuck in my teeth or something! So I give up. In giving up, I am not quitting I am just rather trusting that I can be who I am now and that I am okay. I needed to and need to develop some security in myself and my heart and soul. A kind of confidence that doesn’t feel devastated by judgment of others and is therefore less judgmental - I never considered myself judgmental, but my reaction to what I think is their judgment, IS actually judgmental. So I have a new “let go” policy on certain things. It is easier intellectually than to put into practice but it seems kinder. In many ways this summer I found myself attacking back when I felt attacked. The problem is perceptions. We aren’t all going to agree. Some people are not always or might never like me - I am learning that that is fine. It is hard because I wish they did - like a child - but it’s just impossible to please everyone. I’m learning not to need validation everywhere and this is a relief. In not being so needy, I also feel less anxious and am less tense to be around. This summer I think I took on arguing with the world. It was such a strange disconnect from anything loving and I felt myself just self-destructing.

It got to the point where I was literally on my knees and their I found a new lesson - an old world lesson but it came true for me - the one where sometimes you reach the bottom and you learn and the only way to go is up - it’s a bit like starting from scratch. In starting there, it’s like you learn new perspectives at a heart-opened raw level - I don’t think we need to get so low to get to this point but I think as with a lot of things I had to learn this the hard way. And actually it wasn’t that bad - there is something relieving about admitting and realizing that it is time for monumental personal change because obviously what I was doing was not working.

I had no problem loving others - I feel filled with love for others - but I was filled with a growing sense of self-hatred. Self-love was not something I felt comfortable with for a number of reasons - one, I felt a lose of identity after the accident - so lost, two it felt selfish or prideful to be self-loving and it felt wrong. But as I sank to the bottom of the pits I realized that this was not loving to anyone. I came to a belief and some may disagree but that my self-destructive behavior and self-loathing was actually an insult to God. He gave me this second chance to be here - and in learning to love myself, I find myself with even more room in my heart to share love, joy, compassion, understanding and passion. And peace. I run into all different types of people - some aren’t friendly - some wonderfully surprisingly magical glorious people who are friendly. The not so friendly, I’ve learned a bit from too.

The other day a friend of mine was yelled at by someone who was under stress - what he didn’t realize as he was yelling was that that week her mom had had an accident and there were many stressors and difficult things going on in her life. She burst into uncharacteristic tears and I watched the shock on his face. See, suddenly there was this realization that before we encounter others we have to realize that they have things on their “plate” as well and we don’t know what is going on in their lives. It seems important to understand that in this busy world we all have our own stressors going on. I used to take it personally when people were mean for no reason or unfriendly, but now I realize that they may have things going on in their lives that are difficult. With this I have learned not to take everything personally and to be more loving towards unfriendly people recognizing that too our actions effect others - a smile to a stranger - even if they don’t smile back doesn’t embarrass me anymore. I’ve watched people get angry at say a cashier and then the cashier is upset and not as nice and then the next person in line gets out of shape and say may return to work in a worse mood. I guess, I realize this chain reaction that goes on - that small acts of kindness actually do make a difference.

Speaking of which, I thank you for reading all this. It seems very self-centered, but it helps me so much to write what I am learning because I can look back when I forget. I look forward to reading and catching up on everyone’s spaces. I love reading about all that is going on with everyone and wish you all love and happiness.